Episode 11: Wholeness - You Have to ACT in Order to Receive

0:33  
I'm so excited to be here today talking to you, because it's been just such a crazy few weeks with Coronavirus and COVID-19. Everybody is social distancing, everyone is in their homes, and trying to be a little more low key with the things that we are doing to not only protect ourselves, but to protect those around us. And as I've been home, thinking about the way we protect ourselves, and how it's not that we are stuck at home, we're trying to be safe at home. We're trying to keep ourselves from being hurt in some way or hurting other people.

1:16  
As I've been here and read different stories, as well as, I've been talking to several of you who took me up on my offer of speaking with you for a 30 minute session, I have learned so many things, I have contemplated so many things. And it's been so rewarding, and eye opening to share with you to hear your stories to talk together. It's been so neat, because it's as if, when I start talking to you, it's as if we are already friends. There's just something about sharing real life, real stories, real heartache and hardship with somebody, even when you don't know them, that you just immediately connect.

2:02  
Those of you who I have talked to personally, I just already love you. And I'm just grateful that you were open enough and feeling that you had that courage to share some of your experiences as well as your heartache. And it was great just to be able to talk back and forth. But as I was doing that, I thought of several experiences in my own life. I've also been thinking about the possibilities of what you are up against in your own home, and especially now spending more time and hours with your family members that possibly aren't as safe for you as you would like or as you deserve.

2:47  
So I was thinking about the concept of wholeness, and what that means and how do we become whole? And when is it that we decide or we think we aren't deserving of goodness and love when we aren't being treated right? When did it happen that we accepted that that was okay? And we didn't know how to either stand up for ourselves or not stay in relationships that are like that. What is that? And how does that work? So I looked up the definition of wholeness. And it is the state of forming a complete and harmonious whole or unity, the state of being unbroken or undamaged, entirety or completeness.

3:38  
Obviously, we all go through things and experiences that feel like they break us. But our wholeness still is part of who we are. And in looking for this definition I came across a post is called what is wholeness. And the website is hercreativewellness.com. This post was something that she posted back in October of 2016. Her name is Elizabeth. And her title of this one was wholeness is not just about feeling happy. And I'm just going to read a portion of it because it was it was beautiful, and it was just a good reminder. So she says it is not about having the perfect life. And it is not just for those who have never been broken. It is not something you lose and never gain back. wholeness is about never losing our capacity for joy. Even through the brokenness.

4:31  
In this crazy messy life, we will always have both sides, the dark and the light. But moving through times of darkness does not mean our wholeness has disappeared. Whenever we experience pain, sadness or tragedy, it's easy to think how will I ever feel happier whole again. Sometimes we feel as though we've been irreparably damaged or have lost a part of ourselves. But I've discovered through my own dark times that this is not the case. When we allow the darkness to be our Teacher, we become broken, open and transformed from what we once were. If we surrender to the uncomfortable feelings or grief, we release our resistance and become open to deeper wisdom and paths of healing.

5:14  
Looking back at some of the most difficult times in my life, I've realized that all those moments of brokenness were opportunities to rediscover the wholeness that was always there. I was becoming more in tune with myself than ever before. During those times, I wanted more than anything to feel lightness and joy. That intense longing and desire eventually led me to feel pure joy again. But it did not completely erase the pain that would always live in my heart. And the thing is, I didn't want it to. As a result of consciously moving through my pain, I became a more of a compassionate person, both towards myself and others. I grew wiser to what truly matters in life.

5:52  
I developed a deeper connection with others and attracted more love. By honoring and recognizing the wisdom in my sadness, I had greater appreciation for the joy that showed up. The joy and sadness will always fluctuate, but they are both valid. By honoring both sides, you are honoring your human story. We can honor wholeness by truly celebrating when we feel joy, living in the sweet moment and remembering we were all meant to have it. When we feel broken, we can honor those feelings of sadness by practicing self compassion, and treating oneself with loving care.

6:25  
Just as joy should not be ignored, neither should the sadness. It's communicating that something deserves to be heard and attended to. Take note of this and nurture those feelings. Just remember, even in times of struggle, you are no less whole than at times you are completely lit up. You may just need to be with your feelings and allow them to guide you. Sometimes you need a break to restore, so that you may truly blossom into what is next. Your learning your open heartedness, your passion and evolution are what make you whole. There is no perfect path to follow. But no matter what you are feeling or dealing with, remember to be kind and gentle with yourself.

7:05  
Being whole is about embracing all of you. And remembering you are meant to feel joy even admits the hard times. Make decisions in alignment with your feelings. Surround yourself by people who make you feel good, and champion your spirit. And most of all, love yourself and know that all the messy, beautiful sides of your story are what make up the wholeness inside. Joy and peace are always there waiting patiently within reach.

7:29  
I just thought that was really good. It was exactly the way I felt through my whole experience. Sometimes the pain was so dark, sometimes my heart was so shattered, I could barely move. But through all of it, it made me into something. By acknowledging the pain, by feeling those intense emotions, by working through them, I was able to come out on the other side, and it added to my life. I've been able to find so much joy, even though my experiences never left, they're still there in my memory. I still know them. I can still share them with you.

8:06  
The difference with healing them is that they don't haunt me. When talk about them, when I bring them up with you, my heart doesn't race, I don't feel pain, or triggers or trauma. It's just experiences that happen that I grew from. It's good to not forget some of them. Because we can use them to remember what we don't want and how we want to be treated as well as how to treat other people. So as we think back on, when was it that we allowed people to treat us in a way that wasn't great?

8:41  
How early was that? Was that as a young person? Was that as a teenager in finding new relationships, and having insecurities and then dating people that told us things that weren't true about ourselves? Negative things put us down? Did we start believing them? Was it in our marriages? In work relationships? When was it that we started feeling like it was true of what people were saying? Or even if we felt there's no way that that's true? The way they did it or set it made us think about. Well, what if they are true? I don't think they are but what if it is? Or that person is saying that I make them really hurt and sad. I don't feel like I do. But what if that is true? Then what?

9:34  
It's kind of like messing with our minds, making us feel crazy. And when we start feeling crazy about something that someone's doing. It's usually not necessarily us in that moment. Now we might feel crazy because we're going through lots of things inside. But if somebody's treating us in a way that doesn't feel right, and it makes us feel like we're crazy, then it's something to look at. Way back, probably 20 years ago maybe, I was doing an event at a home show for a company that I was working for. I did Stampin Up for about 12 years.

10:12  
I had a booth and I was showing people crafting and card making and scrapbook things. And I found that my passion for what I did spilled over to other women, and they loved it. They wanted it as a hobby. They wanted to do it as a business. They wanted to be part of something. And they wanted to have this network of other women that they could get together with and have fun. And so I was doing the show, and a couple walks up to the booth, they have a baby in a stroller, and the woman says, Oh, honey, oh my gosh, this is this stuff. This is the stuff I was telling you about. I love this so much.

10:51  
This is so amazing. And I say to her, if you love this so much, let me teach you how to sell it to make your hobby into your career. And you can do this for a living. Her husband stopped me and said, No, no, no, no, there's no way she's doing this. She already was selling makeup and she failed. So there's no way she's doing something else. Now, those kind of comments hit me hard. I don't like stuff like that. I have a hard time when somebody else is telling another person, how they should live their life with their hobbies or what sparks their interest.

11:34  
And I'm a strong personality, and I am independent. And I love life. And I feel inspired and so much passion in my heart and mind where I get ideas, and I want to do things that when he said this, I just kind of was shocked. And my response to him came from a place of something that I had read. And I was trying to find the quote, and I can't find anymore. But I I'm pretty sure it was Abraham Lincoln that had failed at a bunch of things and talked about how he would fail. And he failed like 12 times at different things than how he succeeded. And so it it just kind of came out. But I said, Okay,

12:17  
I understand that she didn't do as well as maybe you had hoped, in her makeup company. But are you telling me, and I looked down at their child who was probably less than two years old, and I said, So are you saying that your child is going to grow up and they want to play soccer. So you're like, Okay, let's go play soccer. They get on a team. They hate it. They don't even do very well, they kick it the wrong way. They have no idea what they're doing. And so there's no more soccer. And then later down the road, they're like, Hey, Dad, I want to play baseball, this is going to be so great. I want to play baseball, I want to learn how to play.

12:57  
Are you telling me that you're going to say oh, no, sorry, son. You can't play baseball, because you already failed at soccer. That just doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make sense that we limit someone else or ourselves based on whether we've decided if we failed, or they've decided that they think we have failed at something. So what I kept saying was, it's not about failing. Nobody fails at their business endeavor that they decide doesn't work, or they don't like it or they they don't know how to promote it or market it. It's just a learning experience. It's learning what we like and what we don't. What we want to do, what we're good at what is our weaknesses. And if selling is our weakness, and we want to make it better do we want to learn?

13:48  
If we decide no way! I hate selling. I don't want to do that, then we learn to do something else. But none of the things that we try mean that we fail, and we could never do something else again. And I was thinking about all those different times of feeling like we can't move forward because we already made a choice. And it brought me to this whole thing about wholeness. And what does it mean? And how does it make us feel when we feel whole when we feel supported when we feel loved? And why is it that we accept things like someone telling us; No, you're not doing that because you didn't do this right over here.

14:27  
It just made me think and I hope it makes you think about who you are, who you want to be, what limitations you're putting on yourself, and what limitations you're allowing others to put on you? So if you're in a situation like that, if you are in a relationship that is limiting you, how can you go about finding your strength, finding your wholeness, standing up tall and setting a boundary that says I realize that I didn't do well at the makeup thing but I really want to do well, and I really want to learn and see if writing is what I want. Or if teaching is what I want. Or if art is what I want. There's no reason not to write.

15:18  
So getting there is a process. And it's a process of boundaries. It's a process of learning who you are and developing your self worth. And figuring out your wholeness. And knowing you are capable, and you are valid for the things that you like, and want to do. Nobodys hobbies are going to be the same. A man's hobby is going to be different, most likely than what a woman likes to do. So if you like sewing, then sew. If you like art, then do art. If you like sports, then do sports. If your husband likes hunting than he does hunting. If he likes fishing than he does fishing. It doesn't have to be the same. And you aren't going to like it or want to do it with that person if it's not your hobby or your passion.

16:06  
It's okay for both of us, each individual to have the things that they want to do. I'm telling you this because it's the same with what we want in life as far as the way we want to live, our values, the way we want to teach our children, the way we want to practice our own personal religion, the way we want to limit immoral things, or whatever the case is that you want to do personally. Is somebody telling you that the things you want are dumb, and they're not valid? So we can look at our life and say, Oh, no, really, truly, this is what's in my heart. So it's a process and and important that we get there. And we learn how.

16:52  
I have a friend her name is Heather Ashley Jones. And she is currently writing a book about her story and her experience of growing up her teenage years, her young adult life. I've been so lucky to read about maybe four chapters of her book as she is preparing it to give her feedback. And it is so amazing. And it just draws you in. Her spirit is beautiful. Her redemption is amazing. She posted some Bible verses to remind us that kind of who we are that we do not need to have fear that God is with us.

17:30  
The first one I'm going to read is Isaiah 41 verse 10. So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. The next is peace is what I leave with you. It is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset. Do not be afraid. That is john chapter 14, verse 27. Have I not commanded you Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go, Joshua, one, nine.

18:11  
I read some of those to you because God knows who you are. God is with you. God wants to give you strength. He wants to give you courage to do the hard things. He wants you to find happiness and wholeness. He doesn't want you being abused. He doesn't want you sacrificing your whole soul and your whole self for other people. Do we serve? Yes. Do we love people? Absolutely. Do we give and try and and pray and hope? We do. But we have to make sure that in the process, we aren't losing our own self or own spirit, or losing our relationship with God.

18:51  
We don't lose it to the point where somebody else who's not choosing either us or the same path with God, or they're choosing addiction over us. And that's harming the family and the manipulation and lies deceit, infidelity become super unsafe. We have to make sure that we are not sacrificing to the point of death to our own selves and our own spirit. Christ already paid for our pain in our sins. He already bled from every pore. We are not asked or required to go to that length. He already did it for us.

19:32  
We can find our wholeness. We can find our peace and our guide and our comfort through Jesus Christ. So it's important that we look at where we came from, what's going on in our lives, what we need, how to find ourselves again if we are lost, and how to remember how important we are, who we are, whose we are, and why we deserve to be treated the right way. And to be treated with love, and kindness so that we can have joy and happiness in our lives. I was reading a story on fight the new drug about a young woman who was born into a family that was completely unsafe.

20:15  
She was sexually abused from the time she can't even remember when. So her early child baby years, so she just doesn't even remember. So she was sexually abused. She was then used for child pornography, and photographs. And then she was then turned into a trafficked victim, where she was raped and used and at gunpoint and told that this is who she is; that she is no more than a child prostitute. That's what she was born for. And she basically had to smile for the cameras in the pictures as a child while she was being raped.

20:58  
Pornography does lead to sex trafficking. It's all part of it. It all goes hand in hand. So if there are people in your lives telling you, or you're telling yourself, that it's okay that none of this is harmful, her story shows how harmful it actually is. She finally escaped when she was 21. So that was the life she lived her entire life. So how is it that you come out of something like that, where you've been told who you are, what you want, what you get to do, that you have no say, in your life.

21:36  
You don't get to choose your hobbies. You don't get to choose who you want to be. You don't get to choose your career. What happens? How does that work? Can she come back from that? Well, gratefully, it's been a number of years now. And she is married to someone where she said, he has shown me what love can be. He has shown me what compassion and care and concern is. And she is free of that. Now does she remember what happened? Of course, does she speak out about it? She does. And it pains her at times. But as she heals, and she sees truth, and she recognizes who she is, and how to be her, and that what happened to her she does not deserve, she has made herself into the person she wants to be.

22:25  
That's wholeness. It doesn't mean things didn't happen to her. The dark is still there. It has the light and the dark just like all of us do. Those things don't go away. But her past and her experiences don't define her as what she is deserving of. And that's the same with you. If you are in this isolation in this social distancing in quarantine, and you are in your home. And your home is filled with lies, manipulation, abuse, name calling, telling you you're stupid; that's abusive, and it's not okay. The reason I bring that up is because the numbers that have been called into the Domestic Violence Hotline has raised 30% cases of children being admitted to the hospital because of abuse. I think the stat was it's up 13%.

23:17  
Not all of us are safe in our homes being protected. We're keeping ourselves safe from a virus. But what about what we're going through? What about what's actually in our homes, I am so sorry, if your home environment doesn't feel safe. If your spouse is gaslighting, and verbally abusing you and emotionally abusing you. None of that is okay. God does not want that for you. He does not want you harmed. I don't know your personal situation, or if you've tried to get help, or if you've tried to leave and you don't know how. There are hotlines that you can call. And there are counselors who can help you.

23:59  
What God cannot do is make your situation change if you are not one to act. You're going to have to act. You're going to have to gain that strength. You can pray for it. You can get help for it. You can get counseling to help you do it. But you're gonna have to be the one to stand strong and say no more. That's the only way. He's not going to take your abuser out of your life. He doesn't want you harmed but he can't do that part for you. That's the part where we learn. That's the part for me. Learning how to stand strong and say no more is the part that changed me.

24:36  
I prayed so many times for my situation to change for either him to be removed, or for him to choose to leave or for him to change. And mainly I prayed for him to change. I prayed so fervently for God to change him, to help him see to make him see to make him choose us to make him do the hard work. How can he not how can you not want to do this when me and my kids are here waiting for him? We want to help. We want to be there. I prayed fervently for that. Just intense. And I believed and I tried to have hope that my prayer would be answered. But he couldn't answer that exact prayer.

25:15  
He answered my prayer in giving my husband opportunities for showing him, Hey, do this. Here's a counselor that will show you how. He went to programs; follow these things and you're going to be okay. He chose not to follow them. Here's the rehab center, go to rehab. He loved rehab, It was hard but he loved the changes he made. He came back so free, and like, the burden that was weighed on him was was removed. He felt amazing. But he had to take what he learned and follow it and live by it. He didn't choose to do that.

25:50  
God couldn't make him do something. He couldn't save me from that in a way that I wanted. I wanted him to change my husband, so that we could stay together as a family. He couldn't do that part. He offered the miracles by answering my prayers. That's how he did it. But in the end, the person had to choose. And so I realized in those moments, oh, I was waiting for someone else to make a decision. I was waiting for someone else to change. I was waiting for someone else to act.

26:21  
And in the meantime, I wasn't acting, I was acting to be come safe in my own thoughts. I was acting to build my relationship with God. But all in the name of saving someone else so that my life didn't have to change. And I didn't have to make a hard choice. But when I realized that I too, had to make choices. I too, had to be the one to act. If I don't act, there's a scripture that says you either act or you're acted upon. I was being acted upon because I was in waiting. I was hoping and praying for one outcome that would make it so I didn't have to act and do something hard.

27:01  
I had to learn that, oh, wow, I have to be the one to act. Someone I'm with is showing me who they're going to be. They're showing me, not just telling me, they're showing me that they don't want to do the work. He acted like he was going to so many times he cried to me so many times. But by the next day, he was back to the same and I said what happened? Yesterday was so great, and you were going to do all this work, and you were going to change. And he's like, Yeah, I don't care anymore. So he was telling me and showing me who he was choosing to be who he wanted to be.

27:30  
What felt more comfortable to him was to live in that space. That didn't feel comfortable for me. So again, I'd go back to God k change and make him stay the way he was yesterday. And God is like I'm trying but he's not choosing to. So you are going to have to make a choice. You're going to have to learn to be stronger. I had no idea that that was the answer that I was going to have to make. But it was. I didn't realize I wasn't acting. I thought I was doing everything I possibly could. And I was. But with the outcome of him changing, not me.

28:01  
As I came to that feeling of Wow, I have to act if I want to be safe, if I want happiness, if I want to not be treated badly. If I don't want to be emotionally abused anymore, if I don't want to be lied to and gaslit anymore, I have to be the one to stand up and say I'm choosing me and I am worthy of not being treated this way. And you've shown me for countless years and times now at this point, what you value more, and it is not our relationship or treating me okay. Sometimes I would say well, his addiction. It's like his brain doesn't know. It's like he's a child. And he doesn't know how to do this. And it's my job to make sure he learned so that he can then choose me.

28:50  
He could choose me. He could choose healing and recovery, even with the broken mind if he wanted it bad enough. There's so many people that do. So many people that are in recovery that have been sober for years in their addictions, because they chose it. It wasn't easy, but they chose it. So wherever you're at, if you are desiring wholeness, if you need happiness and joy, if you are not being treated, right? Maybe you are thinking like I was and praying to change someone else. So maybe this is your challenge. And this is your call to action to see what you are supposed to act on, how you are supposed to change what you were supposed to say no to?

29:35  
I'm sorry, this will not work for me anymore. You can go all the way back to the story about the husband and wife coming by my my craft booth and say, Well, this is my hobby. This is what I love to do. And I want to see what I can learn from it. Whether it's successful financially or not, doesn't matter. I want to use it to educate myself and have fun. So what is it in your life that you can start practicing making those steps to take action, to be in charge of your life, and to find your purpose and to take responsibility of your life and what you want? I know that this is hard stuff.

30:16  
This is a hard time for so many people. Some of us at times are feeling so grateful we have this time. There's a piece of me that loves the reprieve that things are slowed down, that I get to have time to think. I stay up late and play games with my kids. I sleep in in the morning. It feels so good. And there's other pieces that feel like oh, I'm not getting the things done, that are productive, or I'm not being able to reach people to talk with whether for my own personal social outlet or to be able to help you.

30:51  
I was supposed to be speaking at ucap tomorrow. It's a conference where there's about 3000 or so that come together for the fight, being against pornography and what it does. And I was supposed to be teaching a class on betrayal trauma and how you overcome it and how you heal and how you can thrive in your life. That was supposed to be tomorrow. That was something I was looking forward to to be able to share and talk with as many people as I could, that they will be okay. But gratefully, I have this podcast.

31:24  
I'm here, and I'm talking with you. And those of you who have reached out to me, I've been able to share and hear your stories. And there are such a great amount of goodness that can come from this time where the world has slowed down. It's never happened. And we get to take advantage of that time. But if you are in a hard situation, and feeling like this is the worst because you are stuck in your house with people who are not safe, just know that you can also use this time to ponder and meditate and pray about how you are supposed to act on this and and what things you can change in your own personal life and in your families, so that you feel like you can cope, you can thrive. And it's an opportunity also, because you have more time possibly.

32:14  
You can do the hard work, you can look at the painful experiences, and you can go through them. As you do that I do still have openings. So if you would like to chat for 30 minutes, I'm happy to do that, you can send me an email at Roxanne.Granata@gmail.com. Please reach out, share it with your friends, so that they also can get the help that they need. And they can feel like they are not alone. I am so happy to be here with you guys. I feel like this tremendous amount of love for you.

33:07  
Even though the majority of you I haven't met, doing this and sharing this story and this hope and what Jesus Christ and God can give you in your life fills me with passion. It fills me with so much love for you. So with that, know you're not alone. Choose into doing the hard work. Choose into seeing what God would have you do and choose into choosing yourself and making sure that you are safe and that you are thriving in your life. And I'll see you next time.

‍