Episode 14: Getting Out Of Our Own Way

0:34  
I've been thinking a lot about experiences that I have had, where I was the one getting in my own way. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Getting out of our way so that we can actually heal and learn things that we need to, and be able to see more clearly, what God wants from us the path that we need to go and the direction we need to take so that we can feel at peace and feel happiness. So getting out of my own way, was something that really started when I was a child as far as not being able to see clear or making up beliefs that I thought I had, but really weren't even mine.

1:20  
These are false beliefs. So for instance, I grew up not liking sushi. Why? Because my parents when people would mentioned sushi, they would say, oh, ooh, no, I would never eat sushi. I didn't know that they never tried sushi before. At least my mom hadn't. I have no idea if my dad did or not. He's no longer with us. But my mom had never tried it. So I was taking a belief she had for herself, and then adding it to my life like it must be truth. So when I was older, and I decided at some point, maybe when I was in my 30s that I needed to try sushi, It became my favorite food. I loved it so much. I still do.

2:09  
I went back to my mom not too long ago and asked her about sushi. And she's like, oh, no way. I do not like that. I'm like, have you tried it? And she's like, No,. I'm like, then you don't even know. So that's kind of how we do things sometimes. We believe something, even if we don't really know. That happened with sushi that also happened with Indian food. I didn't grow up with Indian food. I had never tried it. And I was with a friend. And I came to visit her. We met for lunch somewhere. And we were supposed to go to this place she wanted to take me but it was closed for remodeling. So we started walking down Center Street, just looking at the different places that we could eat. And there was an Indian restaurant.

2:53  
She says, oh, Indian! Do you like Indian food? And I scrunched up my nose. I'm like, Ah, no, I don't really like that. And she looks at me. She knows me pretty well. And she's like, have you tried Indian food? And I was like, no. And then she's like, then you don't even know. She's like we are so going in. Okay, so again, Indian food became my favorite type of food. And I love it still today. And it is one of my favorites. So it's fascinating how we let beliefs that we've decided or ones that other people gave us to decide if something is good or not.

3:31  
I also grew up with the view, I heard at some point that you better be careful of counseling because it breaks up marriages. And I thought, Oh my gosh, what if it really does? And the way I felt about it or the way I heard about it was that, yeah, they end up talking about they lead you to these different questions that you have for yourself and, and they start making you basically talk about things that are going on in your marriage that make you see the faults that your spouse has. And therefore you end up getting divorced. So that's the belief I had, that's what I grew up with.

4:05  
So then when all of a sudden 2013 one year after the discovery day, I have my first major discovery of where I knew this was an addiction fmy husband, I was introduced to counseling because a friend was prompted to say, Hey, I'm supposed to tell you about my counselor. And I knew it was true. I could feel it. And so when I went and now obviously I've gone for years, I now understand what my belief is about counseling. Is it true that people's marriages break up after counseling? Well, yeah. And why do you think that is? For me? I think it brings the truth to the surface. It brings the real issues out. It can enhance a marriage and it can bring people together.  

4:56  
It can be a healing experience where there is now more love more commitment and more unity. Or if only one person wants to do the work, to repair the marriage or to fix addiction, or anything; if only one person wants to do it, then of course, the marriage probably won't survive. If they're living in truth. If someone wants to live in truth, and do the work to become whole, and the partner doesn't, then they're in two different places. So of course, the marriage ends. But that's the way it should be. To me, that's what feels best. Both people should be working on a relationship, otherwise it can't work.

5:38  
Everything is a new experience at first. We don't know what we don't know. Even riding a bike. We don't know how to ride a bike until we try to ride a bike. We don't know how to drive until we learn how to drive. Think about the experiences that we have, when we learn things that we didn't know. Or if we had the belief that Oh, no, I can't ride a bike, that's scary, I don't know how to do that. Think about the experiences that we would have missed. Even if we take driving, think about the freedom that driving gives a person. Now I realize not everybody is able to drive from different limitations or whatever. So if that is you think about a different scenario in your life where this could apply.

6:27  
So we'll talk about learning to drive. When you're learning to drive and you finally have your license and you you're going places, you have a newfound freedom. You see the world differently. For one, you know how to get places. Where before you weren't even having to watch which roads to turn where something was where your favorite drink places or fast food, you weren't even aware. So now with driving, all of a sudden, you are aware of what's in front of you, behind you to the side of you, you see scenery, and clouds and everything. You're just completely living now with a different view.

7:06  
Now with that, all of a sudden driving becomes something that you do every single day of your life and you you go places. And think about how you're driving around and all of a sudden you're like, Oh, I think I'm going to go visit someone. So I'm going to go over to a family members. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to stop at the gas station. I'm going to go to Target. It naturally gives us experiences that we hadn't had prior. So what does that even all mean? It means that when we open our mind to learning something new, something different, we naturally are removing the blinders that we have.

7:39  
We have these blinders that we've created, because we know no different. So with driving, we find this new found freedom, this newfound joy and happiness. And we get to make these decisions on our own. That is no different with our healing or with like I said before with sushi or Indian food. Going to counseling for me was vital. It changed my life. It saved my life. So how could I ever think that counseling, the only thing it did was broken my marriage. That's actually not true. It didn't. It actually was trying to save my marriage. Going to counseling was trying to help us come together and have a very healthy relationship. But both of us were not on the same page of what that looked like or what we wanted. So let's bring it to trials.

8:35  
In my case, addiction, living with a spouse that struggled with pornography. There were so many lies, manipulation, deceit that came with that. There was a lot of discernment that I had to learn how to do. I was thrown into a world of things that I didn't even know existed, places online that I had no idea were even a thing. So my calm mind, my innocence that I had, was taken from me, and I was shown darkness. So with that, how am I supposed to open my view, look at life without blinders when all of the sudden I hated life? I hated my life and what it had become and what I was in and what I now knew.

9:30  
I felt ashamed that I had seen so much. I have seen so much pornography because of what I've been introduced to what I have found over the years, and even kind of the detective work that I ended up needing to do, not because I was trying to spy but because I was prompted to really see the truth of what I was in. So that I knew the behaviors and I understood and I could make the decisions and choices to learn how to heal. Healing and recovery for me was like riding a bike. I didn't just get here where I am today, all of these things that you hear on my podcast, I didn't get here, just all of a sudden. There was so much involved in it.

10:17  
If you've read my book, you know my story and you know, how I was feeling by the time I wrote it. Which was the fall of 2014, to June or July or sometime of 2015. That's when I wrote this book. So my journey of healing started in 2012, when I started going to 12 step programs, and I found groups of people who understood where I was. That is like training wheels, the beginning of learning. I am right where so many of you are, where you're either just finding out that your spouse has a problem, or maybe you have one or your child.

10:58  
You're just in the beginning of, what am I supposed to do with all this that I've just found out? I know nothing. That's maybe where you are. Maybe you're a little bit further along. Maybe you've had some counseling and you've done some 12 step work or energy work, but you don't know how to get past, the hurt and the hard feelings and the resentment. And so you are getting in your own way. I was also there. It took so much practice. It took falling off the bike over and over and over again. It wasn't easy. And as I kept getting on that bike, and pedaling down the street, I would learn more, I could go farther. And I started to be able to see more clear. Just as in learning to drive. Just in having that freedom of Oh, I get it now. I see it.

11:50  
The practice is actually paying off. I wrote about an experience in my book cutting ties. It's chapter four. The chapter is called Learning to let go. I'm just gonna read it to you straight from the book. One night, we went to watch our daughter's dance performance. We were outside around a small amphitheater, and so close to the stage that the dancers were in our face. This is a teenage dance team. I knew I would have to use all the tools I've learned to keep from triggering, freaking, hyperventilating, blaming and being angry at my husband. As we sat down, I purposefully sat with two of my children between me and my husband. If I was going to be able to do this, I needed space. I took a few deep breaths, looked up toward heaven and said, Heavenly Father, I'm so glad you've got this. I'm so glad this is between you and him.

12:41  
I don't need to take this on. I'm so glad I don't have to worry about how this is affecting him. It was only about a 30 minute show. But I had to call back to God, probably five times. At one point I said, Now remind me and again of how you got him? Quickly, within a second I was answered. The Spirit was with him reminding him of all he had learned to keep himself healthy. He had tools so he could watch his daughter without being distracted and fantasy by the other girls. Once again, I said I'm so glad you've got this. You know more how to help his mind than I do.

13:18  
For the first time in over two and a half years, I was learning to give it all to God and let go. I had always believed he knew more than me. But I didn't know how to trust him that he would take care of the daily tasks. But now, I knew that my way, my obsessing, and my tears, needed to stop. I no longer wanted any of it. And because of my submitted to God, my life has completely changed. I'm going to skip through a little and go farther in the chapter. So that day of the dance performance, I was able to prepare with God before I left. I knew it would be hard for me.

13:51  
I had been living in fear for so long since finding out about his addiction that I didn't know how to function normally in public anymore. I would start panicking seeing someone that I felt could trigger his addiction. What I hadn't learned prior is that anyone can trigger an addict. A person can be fully clothed, wearing a turtleneck and an addict can make up a story objectifying that person and use them like a drug in their own head. But for me, I was in constant alert mode. Is he looking at her or maybe her or her?

14:19  
It was a result of betrayal and not having a trustworthy spouse. It was a huge breakthrough for me to let God take care of the dance performance. I didn't have to control any of it. I only had to stay present in my own mind with God's help. It was a turning point in my healing and recovery. I tell you that because I didn't just get to this place of being able to submit. I didn't get to the place where I could just surrender my feelings and my triggers and my panic. I was in a constant state of awareness of possibility of what could be happening around me. I was very aware of what my husband's addiction was, what he was using as a drug, and the devastation of it all,

15:04  
I knew it. And so I was making myself crazy, trying to control the outcome of things, trying to make sure he wasn't triggered by someone, or using his addiction, because of the way it made me feel. And we can't control another person. So as I was learning new skills, as I was learning to submit my will to God, and realize that he could help him more than I could. Of course, only if he chose to do the work. But I knew God would help him. And that dance performance was one of those things where finally the training wheels were off, I could be in public places.

15:41  
I did not need to own any of his addiction, take any of it on or even have any triggers about it. I could let him own the entire thing. Now, again, I didn't start out with having this knowledge. I'm going to take you now to chapter one of cutting ties. This chapter is called my life became unmanageable. This is one of the craziest stories for me. This was my own personal rock bottom. This was where I knew my life was going to be over if I didn't figure this out.

16:14  
I hurried into our closet huffing and growling under my breath, trying to hold that the tears repeating over and over, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. I grabbed the sides of my face with both hands. I don't know what to do. I was breathing so loud and heavy I thought I might hyperventilate. I was in serious mental trouble. I was distraught and angry. My eyes squeeze shut and my head thrashed from side to side. I felt confused. It was apparent that my life had become unmanageable. for a split second, I opened my eyes, looked up, and there they were all nicely in a row. So organized and hanging at eye level.

16:53  
At that moment, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to cut them. That's all I wanted to do. It's as if they were mocking me, laughing in my face, reminding me of all that I didn't have and all that was wrong with this perfectly organized life. There they hung, over the closet bar, completely even color coordinated, nothing out of place. I grabbed some scissors, that luckily, or maybe sadly were within reach. I cut and cut and cut. They were a tiny pair with no more than two inch blade. I could have stopped. It wasn't an easy, quick job. But I kept going. With each cut I poured my hate, anger and fear through my hands to force this perfection into upheaval.

17:38  
With a sigh of relief, I was done. I breathed out. It felt good. I felt satisfied. Then something else happened. I noticed I also felt more hate and more betrayal. Although that was a release of all that I couldn't control, I also felt so very broken. I fell to the floor and sobbed. My soul felt crushed. And I didn't know at that moment how I was possibly going to heal and become whole. I left I filled my overnight bag with two days worth of clothes and walked out. I prayed aloud. I yelled, I am so broken. Can't you see I've had enough.

18:15  
All I wanted was for God to see this craziness and say, Whoa, she is hit rock bottom. Couldn't he say you've done all you could and more? And I'm telling you now that you can leave him and start a new life. I'm proud of you for all that you have done. But you are now let off the hook. Can he just say that? No, that's not what he said. Instead, I felt these impressions come to me from him. I am so very proud of you for all that you've done. You've put so much work and effort into this marriage and trying to heal from the betrayal of living with a pornography and sex addict.

18:49  
You have become something great more than you were before. Now, take that new person and start today to learn more. If your life came crashing down today, for the very first time being the new person that you are, what would you do? And how would you survive? How would you petition the Lord on your behalf? And how would you fight for your husband? He directed me to a Facebook post. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It talked about faith. Trust and have faith that things will get better. Did I have enough faith to conquer these demons? Could I keep going and not give up? And on that day I decided to fight. Fight for my life for the broken pieces in my marriage and for my husband who was being destroyed by addiction.

19:31  
I sat in the car taken in the spirit and the answers I was receiving. And I felt calm. My body gave up the fight and I let in the peace the Spirit was offering me. I then texted my husband and said, um, you may or may not need all new ties. Yes, I actually cut all his neck ties. Luckily one made it out unscathed that he could wear to church the next day. But all the rest had a two inch slit cut right across the middle. He texts back with I know, I saw, and it's okay. I was grateful he was in a place that night to have that kind of reaction. It was a tender mercy that he could see my pain and understand my broken heart. And wow, was it broken.

20:15  
That experience is craziness. I cut all of his ties. Can you even believe that? Now the reason I did that is further on in the book that as you've read it, you've heard or if you haven't read it yet, you'll find the reason why. But I was in a place of despair when that happened. And that was months before the dance recital that we went to. So you can see the difference of that happening and how I submitted to God, I fell to my knees I felt at my saviors feet, pleading for help and guidance.

20:53  
Had I decided that, no, I don't like sushi. I don't like Indian food, I don't think counselling is great, whatever, if I didn't choose to learn how to ride a bike, or learn to drive, I would not have been able to have the experience of the dance recital that I had had. So that's why it's important to learn how to get out of our own way. Our belief systems that we carry, sometimes from childhood, sometimes we bring them on ourselves, or we add to them are false. They are not actual truth. So as we open up our mind, to what I talked about on our last episode, about opening to the fact that we only know what we know, we don't know what we don't know.

21:42  
We are limiting ourselves to truth and awareness if we keep those blinders on. If we stay in our own way, if we stay stuck, then that's how it's going to remain. I'm sharing these things with you because I want you to truly take it in your heart that you can heal. That you will be okay. You hear me now, I'm doing great. These scenarios, these stories, the things that happen to me, the things that I experienced, no longer harm me. I am actually fully healed of that trauma and pain. Now, that doesn't mean I don't ever have any thoughts or tears, that life was so hard. That doesn't change. My life was so hard, and it isn't now I love my life. I love my new husband. And I love that I was blessed with that joy that matches my pain and really even exceeds it.

22:44  
That's in Scripture talking about Job; which I've talked about several times in my book, and on podcasts. Job lost everything. He still trusted in the Lord. He still went back to him. And what did God do? He gave him everything he lost. And more. As we take that in and believe it for ourselves, we can experience the same things. But we have to do the hard work. We have to come pleading and so sad and broken sometimes, for our Savior to hold us and carry us and for God to heal those wounds. It takes one step at a time. God leads us directly with the things we personally need. It's our job.

23:34  
It's our choice to take the new tool that kind of pierces our heart that gives us that feeling that says, Oh, I think that was for me? I think that's what I'm supposed to do. He gives us those opportunities, so that we can choose to do it. Had I just cut my husband's ties, and then was angry and mad and resentful, and basically being super bitter about everything that happened to me, and I wasn't soft and submissive, and then pouring my heart out to God, I would not have been given all the next steps. I wouldn't have been able to hear them. I would have been closed off.

22:46  
I would have been saying no, thank you, I don't want that. That doesn't work. But you know what, I don't know what works yet. Because I hadn't learned it. So I share that with you so that you understand that you are not alone. Wherever you are in this journey, if you're at the very beginning and everything is new, and you do not know what you're in and you're in this fog of, wow. Like there's a new life that you never even knew existed. And it's a terrible one. If you're there, I've been there too. And there is a way out, you just have to keep taking the steps. If you're in the middle of it. And you thought you guys were choosing recovery, and you thought your person that struggles with addiction is doing the work. And then it doesn't feel right. And you don't know what to do. And you keep seeing red flags, learn to trust yourself, do that work. So you can trust yourself. So you can see clear what is actually happening. A person's choice, what they show you that they're doing, is who they want to be, even if it's terrible, even if it's not what we think they should be, or could be. I had this view of what my husband could be. I knew he had potential. And I knew he was amazing if you want it to be. But the thing was, is he didn't want that same life that I wanted. So in the end, I had to come to that place. That said, I want more for me than this. This doesn't feel okay for me. And I'm sacrificing all that I am for it. Now friends of mine who have spouses that struggle with addiction, that chose into recovery, they have a completely different story. They have the story that I thought I was going to have. And that's possible too. And that is amazing too. So we fight for that. And then we watch and see. And if our spouse or partner does choose into the work, figures out and is accountable for their addiction or whatever it is they're going through, does the work with counseling or 12 step or whatever it needs to be, and they can become an honest and soft person and be understanding to the pain they've caused you and do all the things that you would do if you were being accountable and honest. If they do that, then you can also continue with them doing your healing and recovery work.

26:26  
One easy way to look at what your life is and what you're supposed to be doing is to take your scenarios and your experiences. and imagine them being somebody else's; someone that you care about, maybe a sibling, maybe a child, maybe a best friend, and everything you go through an experience, everything someone has done to you, or said about you or been mean or abusive or any of those things, you take that whole scenario, your whole story. and you imagine that it's someone else's. And you imagine this person and you think of this person, and she's the greatest person ever, and you love her so much or him and you think about her going through the same thing.

27:10  
This takes off the emotional connection that you have to your own story. And it helps your own mind, not minimize what's happened to you. So you kind of see it a little more clear. So you think about that. You think about your friend or whoever it is, and you think what would I want that person to do if they were in my situation? Take that new truth that you're finding when you do that and really look at it. Look at it as Wow, this is probably what's happening for me, and this is probably what I should be doing. So if that is impossible for me to do at the moment, how come?

27:54  
What am I limiting myself to? Why am I choosing that I already don't like that idea or won't do that idea? Because I don't think I can, or I don't think it's possible, or I think there's things in the way or financially there's no way what is it that are holding me back? What is what are the blinders? What are the things like I said when I was young? Like no sushi? No way. What is it that you're doing that saying the same thing? No way, when you don't even know what the other side is. If you cannot imagine somebody that you care about living the life that you're living in, that's a wake up call.

28:37  
That's a wake up call, that whatever is happening in your life is not okay. And that you do not deserve what is happening in your life. If your life is on a road of healing and recovery, and you and your partner are working together and growing together, and that's your scenario, and that's what you're imagining your friend, I hope that you can see the growth that you've had, and how cool it is that you are doing it. And even though the path is still so painful, and it will be for a while, you can take heart and give yourself a big hug and a pat on the back that you're doing it.

29:13  
You guys are both doing it together. Whatever your circumstance, whatever the scenario is, whatever your life story is, try to see it different than you've seen it before. Try to be open to what is placed before you with tools and ideas and programs, counseling, anything that would benefit you as a person or your relationship. It is not going to be easy if there are changes that you need to be making. It's going to be hard. Think about me cutting the ties. Where do you think I was at in my mental and emotional stability?

29:53  
Does it sound like I was using my clear, rational brain to make a decision? Does it sound like I knew what I was doing or could help you make it through some of your things? I was in dire need of help. Luckily, I was doing the work for it. So I could take that to counseling, I took it to my groups, I discussed it with my friends in group, and everybody knew about it. I also knew I was supposed to write a book about it.

30:23  
In the last episode, I talked about my discovery to knowing I needed some help with medication for a short time. Before that, what kind of led up to that; I was having some feelings. I'd already been divorced at this point. It had been a little while. I was on the other side things were feeling better with the fact that all that wasn't in my house, so there was more peace. And I could feel the spirit in my house. So it felt good in my house to me and my kids. But what was happening was I started feeling resentful of that I still had work to do.

30:57  
Now I was healing from the fact that I've been divorced. And now I'm single and the stresses that come with being newly single, and how are you going to do that and provide and all those kinds of things. But I got to a place where I felt sick of it. I felt so sick of all the work I had to do and how does this not ever end? And I did all the hard things and I did everything God asked me to do. And how come I'm still feeling like it's too much? Like I have been asked to do too much.

31:28  
I took it to counseling. And as we were talking, I was like, I just don't want to have to do this work. I just want it to be over. I want God to come in and just fix it now. So I can just feel good and feel happy and feel free. And my counselor is like you don't want to work on it anymore? And I said, I just want to happen. I am so sick of working on it. He goes, Well, I can't help you until you want to work on it again. And I felt like oh, I don't want to do the work anymore. I was so tired of it.

32:01  
I went and called my energy person and scheduled an apoointment with her. I get on the phone with her. And she's trying to help me and do her thing and clear energy. And I was resistant to all the clearing. And she's like, what is going on with you? I'm like, I don't feel like I should have to do all this work. So really, it was an entitlement issue. I felt like the timing, God's timing was not right. This should be over by now. And I was done. She too said to me, hey, it looks like I'm not going to be able to help you for a while. Because you aren't open to letting yourself be helped. I could feel it. It was true. I wasn't, I was angry.

32:44  
So I said, Okay, I'll work on it. I'll work on trying to get clear. So I want to do the work again. But you're right. I don't want to do it right now. I took that and for the next several months, I went through this process of trying to let go of the grasp I had on what my belief was that it should have been over by now. So I was struggling with God's timing. I was struggling with entitlement that I shouldn't have to do work, and I shouldn't have to fight for my happiness. And I wanted him to just come in and fix it. I had to fight through that. And a couple months later, I text my energy worker and I'm like, hey, so does it look like I'm clear now? And she's like, nope, and I'm like, Okay.

33:28  
I can't remember the timing of how many months I didn't get to see Ryan or Jennece, my energy person. I can't remember. And I'd have to text them to see if they remember. But it was a process. And it was like here I was I had done so much healing. I was going to my groups, and I still was during this time. And I was having a setback. I've fallen off my bike. And I was laying there and I was refusing to get back on the bike. And what did that do to me? It just prolonged my learning. It prolongs my healing. I got angry and resentful. And again, the reason I tell you stuff like that is because if you have gone through that, if you feel like this is unfair, and you should not have to do this anymore, I hear you. I get you.

34:16  
I completely and totally understand the heartbreaking feelings in your soul. I have felt shattered. I have felt so low and so broken that I honestly thought I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I thought I'd be dead. I thought I could die of a broken heart. If that is you, I've been there. I am you. I feel so many of the things and even though now I'm on the other side of it, I still was once there. And I hope that gives you some sense of confidence and peace and knowledge that you will be to; if you can Get back on the bike and keep riding those new things that knowledge, those tools will show up for you.

35:07  
If you are asked to do really hard things that feel scary, put your foot in the water anyway. God will make it part. He will. He will prepare a way. But we have to be the ones to take the step. It's hard and it's painful, but it's so rewarding. I promise you the other side, the other side of healing feels like freedom. I could not feel better than I do. That doesn't mean life is perfect. That doesn't mean they're not hard days. Absolutely there are that is going to be our life experience here for the rest of forever.

35:48  
We don't get to just be free because we've made it through something hard. But that trial, what I went through made me the person I am today. I would not trade it. The things I have learned, the blinders that have come off, my relationship with God and Jesus Christ, is so important to me. I would not have had that had I not gone through these painful gut wrenching drop me to the floor experiences. That's why I'm here today. That's why I'm sharing with you the real hard, painful, happy, joyous truth. I'm here because I made it.

36:27  
God helped me make it. He showed me how. He gave me everything I needed. And now I want to do that. I want to give back to him what he did for me. Think about things that have already been shown to you that you could try or things that you know, or have felt were the next step for you, but you were too scared or nervous to try them. Or you had a belief that is not right for you or you don't like that or someone when you were young told you like me with counselling that it was not good. See what belief you can challenge of yours and try to change it and do something different.

37:03  
And then as you're doing it, imagine the freedom of when you are driving around for the first time and noticing everything and being able to stop wherever you want and do whatever you want. Notice that in the same way that you would when you would do something new in your healing and recovery. And see if you can also see how freeing that is and how much joy it adds to your life when you add things and open up your perspective. Instead of hold on to false beliefs. I know you can do this, I'm here for you. We are doing this together. You are not alone. And I am so proud of you for everything that you have done already. And for the courage that you've taken in listening to these podcasts in trying to heal and finding books or counseling or groups. Everything that you need. I'm proud of you. I'll see you next time.

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