Episode 33: The Payout of Healing is HUGE

Today we're going to be talking about the payout of doing our healing work, there actually is a payout, there is a huge reward by doing our healing work, you might not think so especially if you're in the middle of it. Because I know for me, when I was in the thick of it, when I was dead on the floor, when I thought there was no hope there was no way that I was going to recover from something like this. I did. And you may not be on that other side yet.

But I'm going to go through with you of why the payout is so huge. Why that payout is so rewarding, and why it is worth it. This topic came about because I was reflecting on my entire journey. And where I started, where I was when I was in the middle the things I have overcame. And what it is that I'm doing now because of what I've done because of what I've learned. And because of the effort that I put in to my healing work.

As I was contemplating all of this, I felt inspired to grab my calculator and add up financially, how much it cost me to do my healing work. And I'm telling you, it was pretty crazy. I thought maybe I would know somewhat of a number. But I was blown away with the actual financial cost. Now I know that might scare you and think why is she telling me the financial cost? I can't afford it. There's, there's no way I can pay that amount?

Well, I didn't think I could either. But it was interesting how as the things came up that I needed, I let go of other things that maybe would have cost me more or maybe other things didn't happen that would have used my money, or I was offered some sort of payout or income because of a job that I did. It wasn't like all of that money that it cost was just sitting there waiting to be used. I had to come up with it, I had to create it, I had to figure it out. And I had decided that at that point, that my healing was worth it, that I was worth it that I needed to feel better than I was at that moment.

For me living in that place where you're just dead on the floor, and you're going through life, you're not just dead, right? I heard this at a conference. You're not just dead. We want to be living, I was just not dead. That's it. And I wasn't thriving, and I wasn't productive. And I wasn't myself. I was trying to manage my day, but it wasn't totally working. I had so much pain and sadness, so many tears, you know that you've heard my story. So I knew that if I wanted to gain a new sense of self, I would need to do the work. Now I've heard so many different times in different ways.

When someone will say I just want the old you back. I just want the person you were back. Okay, you know what? When we go through hard things, we will never be that same person. And you know what? Also, that's okay. Because we didn't know all the things we knew at that person. Maybe we were happy and light and fun and carefree. But now hard things happen to us. So when I hear somebody say to somebody else, ah, you're back. I know they mean well, I know what they mean is I see that you feel free, I see that you have happiness and joy again.

And that makes me happy. But what it feels like in my insides is, I'm a new person, and who you see now in front of you is not that same person that you knew a few years ago that you want it back. I'm different. I've changed. I've grown, I know things. And I have chosen to now be in this place where I'm living my life in a way that I do find joy and happiness in day to day living. So as I calculated out what I'd spent, first of all, I started out with 12 step work which was free.

And that's always so amazing. Because if you do not have the finances right this second to invest in counseling, or you're worried about it, there are always different resources that are free. My podcast is free and it has so much content on it, you could go back and re listen and re listen and re listen as if you were in some sort of therapy. Now even though I'm not talking to you specifically. And you would have to personally figure out what it means for you. It's free, and it's real and it's valid and I worked for it. I did everything necessary that I needed so that I could have that education and teach it to you.

It's a gift, I want to give it to you, I want you to have that because the free things that were offered to me were life changing. My free things were 12 step work, as well as my counselor did a women's group for his clients once a week that was free. And I was trying to think of how many years we did that, and I can't remember, I'm gonna guess it was about two, but I could be wrong, could have been longer. But that was free. And that was helpful. There are online resources that are free, even if it's just a six month trial.

There's content all over, there's videos, there's all sorts of things when you find someone you connect with that feels like okay, they understand me their thinking aligns with mine, use it, use the free information, I then started counseling, which of course cost me money, right. So I did counseling for 2013 every other week, personally. And then as a couple, we did it once a month. Now in my calculations, I didn't calculate in any of his therapy, or any of our couples work, just my own 2013 ,2014 I started out going every other week, and then shifted it to every week. Also in 2014.

I added in energy work, I started out doing that every other week, and then change that to weekly as well. 2015. I had counseling every week, energy every week. Same with 2016 ,2017 and half of 2018. That's when I really had done some extreme turning points where each of my little individual things I no longer needed someone to walk me through. But in that timeframe, now this does not count the almost $40,000 that it cost my husband to go to rehab, this does not count the therapy work he did for those years. Or like I said, Our couples work.

This was my personal work. And my personal work cost me $41,925. Can you even believe that that is like a student loan for getting a major degree. That work was so important to me. I didn't have resources. I didn't have podcasts, I didn't have anything that was showing me exactly what to do. When I was trying to learn boundaries. I didn't even understand what they were. And when my counselor was trying to say what are the words you want to say when enforcing a boundary or when sharing a boundary?

I felt like I looking at him like I'm I'm like blank looking at him going? Are you really wanting me to tell you what the words are? Because I honestly don't even know what you're saying. I don't understand it at all those years of work, those months of just boundary work, just trying to figure out what it meant. So it could connect in my brain and go, Oh, okay, I see now, it took so much time it took so much money, the payout was I did it. And I felt it. And when it started shifting, I started practicing it. And I would mess up and I would get nervous.

And I would say say what a boundary is to my husband at that time. And then I would kind of panic and feel nervous and sometimes second guessed myself, and then have to go back to therapy and then be reassured that what I was saying was okay, that I was worth it and valuable. And the things that I wanted in my life. And the way I wanted to be treated was perfectly normal and right. I didn't need to be mocked or bullied or made fun of or eyes rolled or being told my inspirations were wrong, or that I should just get over this boundaries taught me that the reason I bring up boundaries is because recently I felt inspired to come up with boundary language phrases, things that were important to be used in the way I spoke to my husband.

And even now today as I speak with people in all different relationships, and in my marriage now because it's important to have healthy boundaries, so that we are taken care of. So as I was pondering and praying about coming up with this boundary list, it was like it just flowed out like it's been natural. Like I've been doing it my whole life. I haven't been doing it my whole life. But I did so much work on it so much effort. And I came from a place of basic information from my counselor, my counselor would not tell me the words to use.

He just kept trying to explain it to me, kept trying to help me see it. And then once I did, I was able to do it. I was looking for something that would show me how I wanted a book that would tell me this is what it is this is how to do it. I didn't have that I had to do months and months and months. So as I'm prompted to come up with this boundary list of phrases, my typing was just going and going and going and going. It's like the thoughts were endless. And I knew exactly what it was that you would need to hear that I wish I had back then the payout for what I did, what I went through what I spent was that now it's just who I am.

It's also now that I can give it to you so that maybe your journey doesn't take months and months and months just for this one concept. Maybe you can see it go, Oh, okay. She says it that way, I can say that. My husband may not like it, he might reject it. But I see where she's going with this. And I can do that. If you don't have any other examples in your life of people who have set boundaries.

If you don't have parents that were boundary setters, if you don't have people around you that you see take care of themselves use me as an example, the scenarios I put in there, the verbiage I used in these new concepts that will be posted later this week, our word for word, what I used, how I say things, and how I have taught my clients, the words to use that are taking care of you not blaming someone else, but showing what you expect and how you how you should be treated. This is real life action steps, action phrases.

So I'm excited that that's going to come out for you that one is not free, but it's worth it, the pay out on that for you is worth it. It gives you confidence assurance, it gives you someone to model after that has done it already. And it gives you months ahead to actually have the words written there. You don't have to come up with all the words you don't have to come up with with the way to say it, you just have to commit to choosing into boundary work into yourself and why you deserve to be treated in the right way. The payout emotionally of doing all the work is over the top. There's no value on it. It is life changing.

Like I cannot believe that I felt so distraught so broken like there was no hope in the world at one point to now feeling so good so grateful. I don't want to change the situation at all because I've learned so much and now I share it with the world. That's a huge payout emotionally, to be healed like that. To see and feel that it is possible that you will be okay even when something so drastic, so shocking. So traumatic happens to you to know that it will be okay at one point is the best payout ever. I looked for people like what I'm doing now, back then, in 2012, when I walked into that first 12 step meeting, as you've heard me say, I looked and saw somebody that gave me hope she was living what I was in our scenario was different.

But she had trauma. She was doing her healing work, she was talking about it. And she was happy. She was finding hope in the chaos. And she was sharing that with me. That didn't cost me anything to get that from her. What I give you in these podcasts doesn't cost you anything except your commitment to yourself that time and energy, thoughts prayers, pondering that you have to do for your own well being is what it costs you and you are worth it. Your body may be telling you no, I'm not no, I'm not you don't know me, you don't know what I've done, you don't know how I've acted, it doesn't matter, you are worth it.

If you don't know how to do tapping techniques to get through some of those false beliefs, and those painful things that we think about ourselves, look up some different videos on tapping. And you can tap through some of those things. As I learn more about tapping as I practice it more myself, I will be able to share it with you. But right now for me, I'm at the beginning of that process. So I don't have enough knowledge to share that with you. But for me, it's working. I love it. It is helping me move forward, just from little things that my mind wants to tell myself. And I'm moving forward through those things.

Emotionally, your well being matters, and what you do with it and how you heal, it will affect all of your relationships. It also adds strength to you so that you know how to make the decisions that you need to make, whether it's with your kids or your partner, gaining the strength, the confidence, the healing, the grounding, that you need. And that comes from emotional healing will give you that it's like your mind kind of clears out it's like the answers and the thoughts and the the boundary phrases start coming into your mind and you feel confident in saying them doesn't mean it's not scary. It is so scary to say it.

But eventually, just like it is now when I came up with this, this sheet for you, all of these things, there's 45 phrases for you to use. It was natural. And I didn't even have to think about it. It rolled off my mind and tongue it just came right out. And as I looked over it, I thought wow, I so wish I would have had this. I had my husband look over it and read it and he just kept shaking his head with each one going. If I would have had this, oh my goodness, if I would have known this when we're learning a new concept that we have never learned before.

It is hard to have our brain create this new area that will hold This new information is like a new language. But it can and it does. And I'm just offering you the help to do it. Okay, so let's talk about even the spiritual healing that can come. Now with this journey, so many that I've talked to, including myself, the spiritual journey has been a little bit rocky. The reason is, is because we have this inner hope, belief faith that there is something greater than us, that is helping us navigate, that is in control of what's going on.

As we go through this, we start learning more and more about what that actually looks like and feels like for me, you know, my higher power is God. So as I'm in the situation where I am finding mass destruction of what my husband had done, and how it affected me, and the shattered feelings of my entire soul, feels like I died, how do we heal spiritually? And what does that payout look like? For me, it took a long time, and it was ups and downs. Sometimes I was thanking God so much like you are the greatest, oh, my goodness, you were with me on that I could feel it. I made it through. And I was shouting praises.

And then the next moment, something bad happened, or I found out something new, or maybe I didn't find out anything new at all. But the trauma and the triggers just hit me like a ton of bricks. And I was shattered once again. And I was like, how did you let this happen? How have you not saved me, I felt okay yesterday, and now I am an absolute disaster. And I wish I was dead. In those moments, we have choices to make, do we want to have our spiritual healing? Do we want to invest in spiritual healing, if we don't, we will miss out on it in the end. In the end, when our emotions are healing, our physical ailments are healing our brain patterns of our false beliefs are healing our worth.

And what we feel about ourselves is healing. If we don't work on every aspect of the damage that's been done, we will be missing that link. And we still won't feel whole. So whatever your belief is, that's not the issue. It doesn't matter, but heal the belief. How I did that which you've seen, and you've read in my book, is I went back to God over and over and over, I praised him when I felt those gratitude feelings. And I was so angry at him. In those moments of despair. Every time I would find out something new, and I was shocked one more time, and it was bigger and worse. I was angry.

I couldn't believe that he would do that to me, I couldn't believe that he would allow someone to treat me that way. And not save me from it. Recently, I have learned that the way God works in answering prayers, which I believe we talked about last week, is that when we have a prayer we want answered, when we say please give me this miracle. He wants to give it to us. But he can't give it to us right then because there are things and lessons that we have to learn in order to be ready to receive that answer. So even though it feels as though he's left us that he's not with us, He's not answering us. And we feel that it's because of we have made some sort of mistake that we're not deserving.

If you keep stepping forward towards God or your higher power, you will feel and notice as you look back, that he was giving you things to learn every step of the way, so he could give you your answer. Now the answer in the end isn't always what we wanted. But once we learn the steps, once we go, Okay, now I'm learning how to be capable this way. Now I'm learning a little bit more emotional resilience. Now I'm seeing what addiction actually is.

Now I'm noticing my flaws and thinking I can control it or it's my fault. Everything you learn is like stairs going up to the answer that he's preparing for you. If he would have given me my answer right at the beginning, I wouldn't have learned anything. And then I wouldn't be here just shouting through the rooftops. how grateful I am that I went through this process, the things I've learned are invaluable. The payout on everything I learned, cannot be replaced.

I wouldn't have that if he would have just answered me. He also showed me as I was working through my relationship with him and how it works, that in some cases, he was giving me the exact miracle I wanted. What I wanted was my husband to change what I wanted was opportunities that were given to him so he could choose it. Rehab was a huge miracle. You've heard that story. I'm not going to repeat that story. You can read it in my book, or you can keep listening to the episodes if you haven't listened to them. And you will hear that story of how my husband went to rehab when there was no way he was going to.

He had committed to himself that he would die in this, that he would not change that he would not tell the truth that he would not come clean, and that he would just pretend he was sober forever, leave, divorce and die in addiction. That is not what happened. God gave me the miracle I was asking for I was working hard. I was praying every single day, he gave me the miracle. My husband did choose recovery. in rehab, he did go to rehab, after the fact, God, let him have his choices to see if he was going to stay in that place.

That was a choice he didn't make. Therefore, I chose divorce. But God still answered me, he still gave me what I wanted. So the healing the relationship with your higher power will heal the wounds inside of you, where you now know that you're not alone. That is huge. It's huge to feel like you have someone with you, that's your partner. There are so many times in my life in my marriage, in my marriage now, where we are on different planes or different pages, because of the things we're working on. My husband right now is working on his own healing in his trauma from his past marriage. And he's working hard, and he does the work.

And that is just a beautiful thing to watch someone do their work. But it means that sometimes we are not exactly in sync, or he's working through his healing, and he's kind of dead on the floor. And I'm doing my thing. And so I don't have a person that feels stressful. At the same time, I get it. And I want him to do his healing. And I remember the healing work. But who do I have, then, I've been told so many times, God is your partner. I've said it to myself, God is my partner, I have a little coin that says God is my partner, remembering that changes everything. And as I look, even though I can't wait for the day, when we have reached a healing point together, that we are always each other's person.

For the most part, even though it can't be like that yet, God actually is showing up and being that person for me, even in my work, everything I do that inspiration to write out the boundaries list was my partner telling me, Hey, this is how we can help people, this is what we can do. This is what we need to do. It was like I was sitting there talking to a co worker, and we were hashing out how we can reach more people that need us. And it was God. And he gave it to me like it was just clicked right there. In my mind, I didn't have to stress or work hard or freak out or second guess myself, he is my partner and he is yours.

You might not feel that way yet. I went through the roller coaster of that spiritual relationship, it is possible to heal that wound and the healing and the payout is life changing. You don't know when you're in the middle of it, what it means for you in the future. You don't know why you need to learn these things, you don't know what's going to come of it and you don't know who you're going to help. You don't know what's gonna happen, you don't know how you choosing to heal all the areas of your life, how that will change who you are or the direction that you're going.

For me, this career, even though I've done this for so many years on a small scale, I'm doing this career now, because of all the work I did, because I chose to do it, I didn't let fear get in my way. I didn't let finances change who I am. I didn't let it say, well, you don't have the finances, so therefore you can't do the healing work. It doesn't mean you have to have a lot of money to do it. But God will show you if you heal that piece of your relationship, he will show you which pieces to invest in so that you can reach healing. It all takes time. But how much time not everybody has the same resources. Not every city or town has 12 step programs.

Not every single town has a counselor in their town, maybe you have to do zoom counseling. Not every single area is equipped with betrayal, trauma, addiction, or grief experts, but you can find them. You can also find books on these subjects. The thing about God is he is not going to take things away from you, he's not going to give something to me and not allow you to find your way as well. Our healing all will look different. We will all conquer the things that keep us dead on the floor in our own way through Him, He will show you what you need.

So if you can gather free information here and there, if you can buy books and read books here in there that guide you to the next step, as you watch, you will see who comes into your life, you will know Oh, I should buy this program, or I should talk to this person or I should get this counselor. You will see it. You'll know if the things that I say resonate to you. You can use all my free content anytime you want. You can share it with people, you can talk about it. You can send me questions and I will cover them on my podcast that's free. God asked me to do that.

And I love it so much. Every time I finished a podcast, I am just full of gratitude. Every time I meet with a client, I can't even believe how good I feel. I love my work because God gave it to me and he showed me how to do it through doing the steps to healing. The payout of doing your healing is extremely worth it. You don't know where this is gonna take you you Don't know what healing is going to do for you. Maybe it'll be personal and in your family, maybe you'll shift the whole dynamic of generations of how you teach your family members to respect you and each other.

Maybe you'll give hope and inspiration to someone else that you know, to stand up for what they believe in and leave an abusive marriage, you don't know if your relationships gonna work or not. But what you can find confidence in is as you learn and gain that grounding strength, it won't matter the way it turns out, you will be grateful, you will have seen as you look back that different stairsteps that were brought into your life so that the answer you ended up receiving was exactly the right one, the right one so that you could benefit and you could find happiness and healing.

That's why it's the right one might not be the way we wanted it to look. But we can't control all of those little tiny pieces. But God can give you things and reward you for your efforts in your healing. Pay attention to the nudges that God gives you on what resources you should be using. Take note of it. As you think of something just jot it down. You might not want to accept it yet. Maybe you think you can't afford it or you think it's not the right person or the right time or you think somehow someone will reject you for it a family member no way they're not.

They're not going to respect your decision or they're not going to, quote unquote, let you do your work. Just write it down. Write it down the things that you want to do the things that you are inspired with. And then ask God to help you navigate through how to do those things. And when as you take each step through the fear, and take the step anyway, because without taking the step, you're stuck exactly where you are. If you're dead on the floor right now you're gonna stay dead on the floor unless you choose into doing this work. And you can use me as an example case, she was once dead on the floor.

She was once suicidal, even she was once thinking all was lost. She didn't know what to do. And here she is right now thriving and happy and sharing everything she learned. You might not want to share everything you learned and that's okay. That might not be what you're asked to do. But you are worth healing, and you are worth having the reward for doing it. And you are worth being paid out in blessings and gifts and sanity and peace and joy and happiness. You're worth it. If you need help. I am here. Check out the website. Look at the programs watch for this upcoming boundaries list that's coming out this week at www dot RoxanneKennedyGranata.com and we'll see you next time.

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