Episode 37: To Find Our Purpose We Have to Surrender

The holidays are coming up. It is November already, I can't even believe it. We have made it through so many crazy things this year. And here we are getting ready for the holidays. And the holidays for me. They have so much excitement, celebration, goodness, love, I feel all these great things. And through all the years, I've also felt so much anxiety and chaos and stress. Because I wanted things to be a certain way or go a certain way. And that's not possible.

Especially when you are living with someone who struggles with addiction, if you have narcissistic family members, or if you have just extended family that aren't exactly healthy, and it makes the holidays stressful. So what we're going to be talking about today is why we want to heal, why we want to do the work and the importance of gaining that strength again to be who we are. Now the reason I mentioned holidays is because I have two things coming up, I just started something that I am so excited about.

From now on, I'm going to be holding classes and workshops that are going to be through Facebook Live, you have to register for them. So it's just the private group of people, they're going to be recorded. And then for those people who want to be involved in those classes, they will have access to them continually. So let's just say you bought a class and you couldn't make it to the live session. It's recorded. And all you have to do is login to my website, there's a little spot where you log into your own personal portal.

And it will have whatever class or workshop that you have registered for, everything will be there for you. And that means that you can listen to it over and over and over again. I just think that is just so exciting. Because there's nothing more important than hearing the things that hit us that hit us straight to the heart the things that we hear and know they were meant for us. Right? Does that happen to you guys? It happens to me all the time. I'm just listening to something and all of a sudden it's like, boom, it hits my heart.

And I'm like, okay, pause, I need to write that down. That was definitely something I needed to hear. Because I need to do some work. I can always feel it. I can I can tell when something resonates with me where my soul says, Can we please address this, because I'm getting tired of living in this false belief. I'm getting upset and sad and in chaos, not healing this piece of us. So these upcoming classes, I have one that is called holiday breathe and release. It is a four week combo class.

These are going to be held on Monday nights starting November 16. And these are designed for those of you who are getting started with speaking up setting boundaries, and you need practical ideas to navigate the holidays. So the topics that we're going to be covering in these four classes are boundaries during the holidays, letting go of holiday outcomes, honoring our triggers and our trauma, letting our wounds be heard, and holiday self care.

The other workshop is one time only this is called holiday survive and thrive. It is going to be on Wednesday, November 11 at 11am Mountain Time. Now again, remember that if you can't make it live, it's okay because it's going to be in your portal where you can watch it anytime you want. But of course I want you there live because live, we'll be interacting with each other. I'll be answering your questions. And it'll be like we're there together. But this class is an hour and a half. It's kind of one of those boom, get it done class.

It's direct in depth no holding back a to the point plan so that you guys can make this holiday with any of your hard family relationships, manageable, and hopefully even enjoyable. So if you are someone who wants to hold strong and take back your power this holiday season, this workshop is for you. The discussion topics of this are strong boundaries, letting go of what others think about me, maxing out my self care, what to do when triggers take over, making a personal plan to follow And then there will be questions and answers throughout that particular event.

So these two things are powerful. There is nothing harder than going through the holidays, feeling like you're counting down the days. Okay, okay, just this many more days, Kay, this is and then it's over? Do we really want to be counting down until it's over? That's a sad way to live. I know I did that for so many years. But there was a time where I just didn't want to do that anymore. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to feel all of the goodness that there was.

Now I understand there may be some of you, who have had some really hard things happen over the holidays, whether you have lost a loved one, whether you have had your discovery days during the holidays, and you found out about affairs or online activity. That was infidelity. I understand. But do you want those heartaches to rob you of the feeling of peace and goodness, totally all together? Now I know some of us that things we've been through will always be in our heart. And that's okay. So can we have side by side, some of the pain, and also some goodness.

The reasons why I wanted to do these classes for you was because I don't want you going along and hurting any longer. I know what it feels like. It's hard, and it's painful, and it is emotional, and there are so many tears. And this time, I just wanted you guys to feel like you're worth it, you get to decide. You can set boundaries, you can choose what you allow and what you don't. Now some of these classes are going to run before Thanksgiving, and some right directly after.

Now what is great about this is you will have some sessions so that then you can talk through what happened at Thanksgiving, ask your questions, practice on Thanksgiving, and then come to the last two classes with what worked and what didn't, and how we can help you through Christmas. I want you to believe in yourself. I want to help you do that. I want you to know deep in your soul and in your core, who you are and why you deserve to have peace in your life and a positive holiday experience.

Now I want you to just have a positive life, I want you to create goodness around you any time of year, the holidays just seems to be one of those times where the stress just starts coming, the anticipation, the spending of money, the different things that cause fear, tend to add onto our plate. And we don't need to think like that we need some abundance thinking we need some goodness, some manifesting of positive energy. Because why? Because we are worth it.

We are worth it to take care of ourselves, we are worth it to have a good experience. And even if it can't be perfect, and even if we already know certain things that aren't going to work out, we can try to create other things surrounding it so that there are more good things than not. We're not actually talking about the holidays though today. Go to my website, check out all the details of the classes and get registered, you'll find all that information at RoxanneKennedygranata.com.

But today, I want to talk about our purpose and why why we deserve these things. Are you ready to let go of that sadness in your heart? Are you ready to let go of feeling like there's nothing more that this is it. I want you to take a big deep breath. Breathe in. And then let it out. It is so important to take a step. ground yourself. Breathe in and breathe out and start telling yourself what you want the truth to be. I want to feel like I'm worth it. I want to feel like I'm valuable to my spouse. But if that's not possible right now, I want to feel valuable to myself.

I want to believe that I can have good things. I want to believe that at some point, my relationships with others will heal. I'm hopeful that things will get better. I want you to start taking out any negative what ifs. The ones that come with the fear behind it. We've talked about them before, but oh my goodness. What if? What if I don't have enough money for Christmas? What if I don't have this job? What if I have to get divorced? What if my kids never talk to me again? Scary scary things right? Those "Wat ifs" They are a destroyer that is Satan's tool to take you down and to continually point the finger at you saying you will never have those things. It'll always be scary. We don't want to believe that.

So you can keep the what ifs like what if I was a good person What if my relationships do heal, do see the difference, take out the scary what ifs, I want you to practice that, we are still going to enjoy time together. Even if another family ruins our Christmas, you know what I'm not going to let it, I'm going to use my tools to change the dynamic in myself. There is a really powerful way, when we switch words that comes into our brain, into our heart into our mind and soul. And it changes everything, the energy is completely different.

And it makes a difference in the way we view the rest of the day. We don't want to be run by fear, because that is chaos and stress and sadness and pain. We want to be in that place of surrender, where we let go of the fear, where we give it away, we give it to God, we give it to our Savior, so that we can be in that place of peace. Even if this doesn't go the way I want. I'm going to be okay. And you're going to be okay. Because you're going to do the work. That's why you want to heal. That's why you want a partner to walk through this with so that you can feel better. So you don't have to do it alone.

So you can go okay, I don't know how to do this part, because I've never done it before. Why is it that we shame ourselves when we have to learn something new. And we think we should already know it by now. Right? I've explained this to you before about boundaries, where my counselor told me to set some boundaries, and I was clueless. You guys, I did not get what boundaries were I had no idea. And I was overwhelmed. I was clenching my fists, I was grabbing my hair. I didn't get it. And it was because it was a new language for me. This kind of emotional resilience of setting boundaries I had no clue about.

So how am I supposed to do that on my own? And why should I think I should we give ourselves more power when we let our ego and our pride down. So that we don't have to feel like the only way we're good enough is if we know what we're doing. That's a really hard false belief that we put on ourselves. It's a lie, we tell ourselves probably from when we were young. It's a perfectionistic belief, and it's a controlling belief that we have to know how to do it. And we have to do it right. And if we don't know, and we do it wrong, then we are so flawed.

And it's so our fault. And we are we are a mess. And the reason everything's happening is because we don't know what the heck we're doing. That is a terrible way to navigate our life. Because then everything's always on us. And we're living with this burden, this heavy weight on our shoulders. We don't have to do that. We really don't. We want to live in a place of surrender and peace, where our pride is not too high, where we are aware and conscious of what's going on in us. Okay, whoa, I am super overwhelmed. Okay, let me take a step back and figure out why I am.

Okay, I think it's because I am trying to navigate everything on my own. I think it's because I believe that if I don't know how to do this, I won't be accepted. I think I might be feeling this kind of fear or anxiety, because I'm worried that if I don't do it right the first time, then I will ruin everything. That is one of the beliefs I had, when my husband at that time was in addiction, rehab, in therapy trying to change addictive patterns. And I was trying to heal. I honestly felt like if I did my part wrong, everything would end, nothing would work.

I took on the entire power, the entire control the entire belief of the consequence, that somehow it would be my fault if I did it wrong. What do you think of that? Does that sound? Right? So the belief that I learned to have that I wanted to have was moving forward pushes things anyway. It helps us anyway, it guides me to where I need to be Anyway, moving forward shows that I'm trying if for some reason I do it not quite the right way. That's okay. Because then it just shows me which way I really want to go or how I want to say something or what I need to do.

And that one mistake isn't the end all to everything that happened when we're trying to navigate something that's hard for me living with an addict who I could never tell if he was telling the truth or not. That whole experience and that conflict was not my responsibility to save. Nor could I it had already happened. The mistakes had already been made. He had already made the choices that lead us here to this point, yet I'm thinking that if I don't do every single thing in the right way, I'm going to cause something.

I'm going to make him upset or make him mad and then this relationship isn't going to work and it's going to be all me because I didn't know what I was doing. That's a lot to carry. We don't have to, you don't have to. If you are in a similar situation like I was, and you are navigating through living with an addict, take back your power, practice giving him or her back their own consequences of their choices, you are not responsible for making sure that they are okay or that they feel okay. You are only responsible for healing you and working on you.

If you can make it through that, then there could be a chance that you might want to see that person differently that you might want to heal that relationship. And only then will you know, if they've also done the same thing. But the sooner you heal your own self, that you take the time to heal you regardless of what the other person's doing, the sooner you're going to know what the right answers are for you. One because when you focus on you, it allows the other person to decide for themselves if they're going to focus on them.

I was talking to a friend, and we were discussing a group that I was speaking to, I was speaking to a women's group through zoom. And they just had some different questions about boundaries and about intimacy with your spouse and, and forgiveness and all sorts of things. But we were talking. And she reminded me of this quote, and I don't have it written Exactly. This was just from our memory, talking about it. But we were talking about this exact thing right here, the best thing I can do for you is take care of myself. And the best thing you can do for me is take care of yourself.

This is in regards to spouses, the best thing you can do for your spouse is take care of you. And the best thing that he can do for you is take care of himself. It seems so simple. But we get caught up in the "What ifs", we get caught up in the fear of the unknown, and we get caught up of not taking care of ourselves, because we're worried about somebody else. That concept of putting your mask on first when flying in an airplane before your kids. The first time I heard that I thought, well, that's crazy. I need to save my child.

But the more I grew and understood, I thought, Okay, I get it, your kids might be thrashing around freaking out because of what's going on, and you're trying to navigate them and all the while you're losing all your air, then you're gonna start panicking, and then nobody has their oxygen on. So if you can put yours on first, if you can heal you first. If you can look at what you need first, then you can turn and calmly help somebody else. It won't be out of chaos or fear, or anxiousness or stress. You'll be calm and collected and at peace, and you'll have surrendered and that feeling you can't get back. That feeling you can't get from anywhere else.

Except from doing the work. And feeling that within where you surrender and let go. We want to heal ourselves because we want our lives to reflect who we are. Is your life right now doing that, can you honestly say that what you're doing right now is exactly what you want to do and where you want to be, I hope it is. If it's not what pieces are missing, this doesn't have to make you feel sad or in grief or anxious or stressed that you're not, this is an awareness, this can tell you, okay, I am not living in a way that feels authentic and good to me. So what things are missing, start with one of them.

Take one of those and start working on that. And make sure that you're taking care of you while doing it, that you're healing your inner self, that you're growing your self esteem and your self worth. And that you're not attaching your self worth to outside validation. Like whether or not your spouse is doing good things or not, or whether or not your kids are behaving or not. Or whether or not you have enough money, your self worth is already there, you are already worth it and valuable.

So make sure you keep working on that while you're working on some of the other things that will help you to feel like your authentic self, where you'll feel excited, where you're thriving, where you have purpose. Can you do that? Can you take something that's on that list of yours and do it for you start working on it today. It's scary sometimes to change things that we've always done or to believe something different than we've been told or believed ourselves. But we don't have to keep doing the same things over and over. We can do new things.

We can learn new languages. This is like a language of emotion and we can learn it. You don't have to do any of these things on your own. If you've never done them if you've believed a certain way, your entire adult life or your childhood. If you've had perfectionism issues or self esteem issues, or don't know how to set boundaries, or don't even know for sure what the situation is that you're in. That's normal. You are okay. You are like so many of the rest of us. But please don't try to do it alone. Please know that there are people who can walk with you who can be your partner.

I have a sister in-law who likes to cycle and she has not ever done one of those big huge races but she really wanted to do it. So she did the LoToJa race. If so, if you're familiar with it, it is I'm going to read right from the website. It says "LoToJa has grown into one of the nation's premier amateur cycling races and continues to be grueling test of one's physical and mental stamina. Many compete to win their respective category while others just ride to cross the finish line. At over 200 miles LoToJa is the longest one day sanctioned bicycle race in the country.

Cyclists must conquer three mountain passes as they pedal through the scenic terrain of Utah, Idaho and Wyoming in route to a finish line below the rugged Tetons at the base of Jackson Hole Mountain Resort." Okay, so I don't remember what you told me the miles were exactly, but I want to say 240. But a lot of people do this race as a team. They do it in legs, they do their one section, and then somebody is there and takes over and does another one. Well, she just really wanted to do it by herself. She wanted to, to just, I don't know, accomplish something that was so extremely hard and difficult. Now she knew as it came down to the end, it would be impossible, right that she would she knew she would want to quit.

And you know what she even crashed her bike three days before. So she had scrapes and and she was more fearful because she had just crashed. But she was like I'm doing it, I have to do this. So she picked somebody that she knew would be able to help her along the way. So as the final miles, which I can't remember how many at the end that she had this person joined her, but that person came and rode with her those last miles. They were at the checkpoints, they were there saying okay, you can do this. You can keep going. This is how you do it.

Even in cycling, you don't have to do it alone. These things that we've never done, that we need support for why are we not asking? What is wrong in us that we tell ourselves that we shouldn't have to ask, we shouldn't need anybody, we should know how to do this on our own? Why would we know? I don't know what I don't know. If I don't want to reach out then that means my pride is getting in the way. And all it does is it prevents me from learning and it prevents me from feeling better. When you're ready to have someone walk with you.

Please reach out. Whether it's to your therapist, or a friend that understands that has gone through what you have before. Reach out to me and book some sessions so that I can help you and walk with you because I don't want you to hurt on your own. You don't have to hurt on your own. When I found my people, it changed my life and it saved my life. What a difference My life is today than it was seven years ago. There is so much to gain by learning and growing.

And you're doing it already just by being here and listening to this. Just by taking the tools and trying to apply them to your life. I'm so proud of you for even being here and taking these steps. Keep doing what you're doing. And notice when your soul and your body say we need another step. We need a new tool. We need help. What if you need help? Isn't that okay? Can you say even if I need help?

I'm still okay, I'm still worth it. I'm still valuable. When I was talking about those classes that we're holding for the holiday. If you would like support during that time, if you want to build a network of people that also get it and be on these sessions. It's just through Facebook. Your face isn't being shown or anything like that. But you can come you can hear other people's questions you can learn from what they have, what they know what they need.

And you can also ask yours or you can just sit and listen and gain some practical things that you can do to help your holiday be more enjoyable. Join in so you can feel more of what your purpose is. Think about yourself this week. Think about how you can change and grow and what kind of things you can heal in you so that you can be on your path to who you are. I'm with you. Like always you are not alone and I'll see you next time.

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