Episode 38: Finding Our Answers by Letting Go

This last week, I had the opportunity to go speak to a group of women that are working through betrayal, trauma, and are really striving to heal. And it was so powerful to be there with these women because you could feel their strength you could feel that they are truly wanting to know. And that is the key. Because we can't actually find our healing. We can't find any comfort or peace or progress or know what we're supposed to do if we don't want to actually figure out what the work is and actually do it. Some of us don't some of us spin and spin spin.

And then finally we find ourselves going okay, why am I still in the same place? Why am I still here in this moment of chaos, when I've been going to my meetings when I've been seeing my counselor. And usually as we stop and think and we take a step back in our mind, we can look and evaluate what it is we're missing. And a lot of the times it is just seeing the reality and the truth because we so badly want the outcome to be a certain way that we overlook that we have to let go. We have to surrender.

As I talked to these women, we were talking about the importance of seeing reality, and taking the steps to accept the truth, and what that looks like. Because that is where we find our answers. And that part right there is where we learn how to heal, we can't learn how to heal. If we don't accept the truth. And we've talked about that several times, you're probably thinking, Oh my gosh, we're gonna talk about this again. But it is so important. And everybody I work with.

This is where we see the change is when we actually accept to let go surrender, see what the truth is. And so we can start moving forward and taking action with what the truth actually is. Otherwise, we spin and spin and spin. When we are seeing the truth, this is actually a better chance of us getting what we want. Maybe we want so badly for our partner to choose healing and recovery from their addiction. That's what I wanted. Right? So maybe that's what it is. And maybe that's what we so badly want. When we actually see the truth.

And we let go and we let that person take care of their own healing and recovery and we take care of our own, there actually really is a better chance of us getting what we want. But even if we don't even more importantly, truth helps us to get to where we need to be feeling better, healing, happiness, feeling hopeful, thriving, all the stuff we're searching for. But we're we're tying it to the fact that I will only feel these things if the outcome is this way is what holds us back.

The reason I said that, letting it go and learning to see the truth may give us what we want we have a better chance of it is because when we allow somebody else to fully take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and actions, they get to feel the depths of it. When we continually strive to coddle and nurture and protect, and, and fix, they don't get to feel the whole thing. And therefore, they don't see all the work that needs to happen in order for them to keep their lives in a good place or their families together or whatever the case may be.

So what happens is when we have those moments of chaos, where we are bringing these crazy things into our mind where we we do something we regret, it's because we're holding on to the outcome. We want something to happen and we're not controlling it. And so then we feel crazy. So staying in the truth of what it is is a huge tool. It keeps us calm. You know that feeling when you start getting triggered and you're you have the rise in your heart and all the emotions come in. It's hard to see clear.

When we start letting go and looking at what the truth is when that situation happens. It feels different. So when our heart does start to rise, and the emotions do come, you actually can see truth and you act differently. So for example, you remember the story of me cutting the ties. And I've shared it before. And I know some of you are new here, and you haven't started at the beginning. But just briefly, I'll re count that story so that you understand, but I was in such a bad place.

And my husband at that time, his therapist had told him that I'm going to be triggered and in trauma a lot. And his job is to tell me things like, I'm so sorry, you're hurting, I'm sorry that you are triggered. It is my fault that that happened. What can I do for you to help you through this moment? So when I came to him, and I was telling him, I was feeling triggered, and I needed to know something truthful? And he said, No, I'm not going to tell you the truth. And my heart is racing even more. And I'm like, I need you to tell me the truth.

I need you to tell me something. And he's like, No, I'm never telling you anything. And it just got kept getting heated, heated, heated, heated back and forth. Until I just was like, Oh, my gosh, he's not gonna tell me the truth. And my, my trauma just went through the roof. So when I go and mop up in my closet, and I'm freaking out, I'm like, Oh, my gosh, what am I doing? I can't do this. This is crazy. And I see all of his neckties hanging across the bar. Right? you've, you've heard me say this several times, and you've read it and cutting ties in my book.

But the ties are just hanging over the bar. So nice in a row, and so orderly and, and it just made me feel crazy that they look so perfect when my life was far from. And that's when I cut the ties. And I knew I wanted to cut them. And so I did. So in that moment of cutting the ties, I am feeling so many emotions, so much pain, so much chaos, so much trauma, and I did something crazy. So what happens when we learn to see the truth, and when we start doing our healing is it's not that the trauma or the trigger isn't going to happen? It is going to happen.

It's going to come up. And it's going to show itself, right. So I had a trauma response. And I went to talk to my husband, hoping he was going to offer me help and navigating this, like he had been taught from his counselor. When that didn't happen. That's where I had some sort of control. That's where I could do it differently. And where I have done it differently since. So when I don't get the response I need, I need you to tell me something honest. No, I'm not going to tell you something honest. And I feel that rise. I can ask again. Okay, No, for real.

Remember, let's remember the tools. Remember what you're learning. Remember how we're doing this together? I need you to help me with this, I need you to tell me something honest. And as soon as he would say, No, I'm not going to tell you anything. That's where in the future. After that moment, I could have learned from my mistake, I could say, Okay, I'm going to take a step back in my mind and look at the situation. Because I can feel that I'm getting triggered. And I'm in trauma, and I'm going to do something crazy.

And I don't want to because I want to be able to be in control of my life. And I want to be able to see what the truth is. So taking a step back in your mind, when you notice the trigger coming up is so important. And it is possible I know doesn't feel like it when you're in those moments. But as you practice it as you start noticing what your body's doing, as you're consciously aware of what you're feeling at all times, you really can have the control. And you really can take a look at things with a different perspective.

So in that situation, after I learned what happens and what I do, when I don't want to do that, I can take a step back in my mind and I can say, Okay, what is going on here? What is the truth? Okay, I'm feeling triggered. And I'm asking for some help and support. And it's not happening. Okay, so he's not wanting to use his tools, and he's not wanting to help me. So that is telling me that at this moment for him, he doesn't care and he doesn't want to. So the truth that that tells me is, at that moment, I am not worth it to him to do something for me to help me. It's painful to figure that out. But that was the truth. It doesn't matter that he suffers with addiction.

It doesn't matter that his brain isn't completely formed in those ways and those neural pathways, that cannot be the excuse. Once somebody is choosing into recovery and has the counselor and is doing the 12 step. They are responsible for taking action, changing their patterns and doing things that promote healthy growth and recovery and healing. Otherwise, the relationship doesn't make it in a healthy way. So if I can look at that and go, Okay, what is the truth, okay, he actually is choosing not to help me not to care about me.

And so it doesn't matter what his words are if his words are telling telling me another time that he loves me so much his actions are showing me that no, that in fact, is actually not totally true. He may love me, but he's not showing me that he actually wants to do things that help me, which is really what love is. Now the thing is, is that we cannot do this stuff on our own. We talked about this, I think maybe even last week or the week before about, we haven't learned these things yet. I didn't know I had to navigate through some crazy stuff.

And my own crazy, I had no idea I didn't even know my crazy was in there. But it sure came out. I needed help doing this, I couldn't do it all alone, I needed to be able to find the right people that could help. It's important that you realize and you let go of doing this on your own. And you use the resources that are around you. That's what I do with my clients every single day is I act as that voice of reason. That person that walks them through that gives them ideas of staying sane of showing them how to step back in your mind and look at it.

Your counselor can talk you through trauma and teach you and help you do the work to heal. What happens when we don't is that we're constantly trying to manipulate the situation. So that we feel okay. For me, that would be like, giving him the excuses of that he just doesn't get it. He doesn't know. And he really does love me. He's just not he's just not figuring this out. And in a way that's kind of taking on his stuff. And that's coddling him. And again, like I said at the beginning, it's, it's taking away his really his right to heal, because I'm trying to minimize it for him.

We do that in certain ways. Like we do that, like, in not keeping ourselves safe and not setting boundaries. We do it in our verbiage in our mind when we decide whether to say something or not. Because we sometimes think way too much about every action we do. For me everything I did, I thought I always thought about the reaction or the consequence of what I did. I knew in my insides that I had to do it right or it would be my fault. Divorce would be my fault. If I didn't do every single thing exactly right.

We talked about that, too. It's important to hear it over and over again. Because I think we've we sometimes take on these things. And we are limiting ourselves and we're ruining our chances of healing. We don't want to do that we want to heal, we want our person to heal, the best way we can do that is heal ourselves and let them heal themselves and see the truth. If we choose not to heal, we'll feel that we'll know it. If they choose not to, then we'll know it. So I did a lot in trying to navigate through what I did or when I did it.

So it would it would sound like something like this in my mind. Okay, if I do this, then what if he does that? Anything I do or don't do will be the cause of his actions or reactions. So if I do this, then what if he does that that looks like if I set this boundary and tell him that I either want this or expect this? Or I don't want this? Then what if he freaks out and says no, you're crazy and he leaves. So then I would choose not to say it. But that doesn't help me or him.

Because I'm deciding whether or not I should do something based on a possible reaction, we have to get to the point where we let go of the outcome where we're not trying to control another person's decisions, where we become strong enough in our insights to say this is what I need. I did not want the line anymore. I didn't like the lies, the lies made me crazy. I would much rather know what the truth was to navigate that than the lies. So for me, if you lie, I cannot be with you. That has to be true. For me. That had to be true. I had to act on that if he wasn't going to tell the truth. Did I want to be with him? Could I live with him?

How many times Could I try and make him over and over and beg and plead? He was going to choose what he wanted? We all do. We all choose what we really truly want what our core truly wants. We might think they don't really want this. There's no way they want this. If they're choosing it, they want it and that is so hard to hear. I know. But if they're choosing it, if they're acting this way, that's what they want. Now you have to be careful because they may act to you like they want you to well of course they do.

They want it all they want everything to be okay and they want to be able to do this over here but they want you to still be okay with it. Is that okay for you? You have to decide. So when we start feeling the chaos well up in our insights of, oh no, no, if I do this, then this is going to happen. And we start fearing what happens, I can't act on this because I don't want this to happen, then we're living in a spiral state, we're not living in that peace and calm and being able to make rational, healthy decisions. So we need to do the word switches.

We've talked about this part where the word switch of, I have to make dinner, I have to go to work. And we switch it to I get to right, I get to make dinner, I have people that I get to feed, I get to go to work and visit with coworkers or do something productive or make a living any of those things, right. And this word switch that I'm going to share, I heard from a woman at my retreat in September, and she taught this to us. And we all just loved it. It's just been so amazing. But we sometimes take the what ifs, and the what ifs can really harm us. It depends how we use the what if but when we use what if in the negative way, like, Oh, I guess what if he doesn't choose? What if we get divorced? What if he acts out again?

What if he cheats again, Oh, my gosh. And we're filled with all this fear. And our body is just racing. That's a very negative energy feeling that keeps us down, that keeps us in chaos. It keeps us actually in control of the fear versus acting in a way that is healthy. We can change that just with another What if we can say it in a positive way? What if I make it through these things? What if I can actually do this? What if I can actually set a boundary regardless of what happens?

What if I can state what I what I want. So we can change the what ifs and make them positive. But the word switch that I learned from this woman at the retreat, was to take the what ifs and say even if even if we get divorced, everything's gonna be okay. Even if my kids and that rebellion going off the deep end, they're going to do their journey, and I'm going to be right here to help them. Even if the lies keep coming. I'm going to learn how to accept truth and teach truth to myself and my children, so that we can thrive. There's a completely different energy when we use even if, or when we use what if in the positive way.

So I want to challenge you to do that so that you can change the chaos every time you feel that anxiety come up. Oh, no, no. What if this happens, what if this happens, you can even use it with the stuff in our world right now. All the what ifs and the scary things, just change them to even if it'll help your sanity, your anxiety will go down, you'll actually feel lighter and more positive. And in that space of feeling lighter and more positive, you actually can do more good, you actually progress, you actually move forward, you make better decisions, you actually make decisions versus staying stuck and not making any at all.

So again, what somebody is showing you is what they are wanting to choose. Whether it's your spouse, a family member, a parent, it doesn't matter what they're showing you is what they're choosing. Nobody is forced to not change. Addiction doesn't even force any of this. It's hard, but so is unlearning the ways I've been thinking and reacting the way you think and react is hard to unlearn when we've been doing it our entire lives. But we can do it. And we're striving to do it. That's why you're here. Now. That's why you have your groups.

That's why you use me as your mentor. That's why you have a counselor so that you can unlearn things that you've always thought or done. The same with somebody who struggles with addiction. They also can learn new behaviors, new way of thinking and unlearn things they've done in the past. You have to remember that God or whatever your higher power is, always shows everyone, every single person what to do and how to get there. He gives the tools, the education, the ideas to every single one of us, and it's up to us to take it. So again, it goes back to do I want to make my person try to take it and do the work.

Or do I want to watch them choose it. Same for yourself, Am I going to take the resources God gives me and do it so I can move forward, doing the work with him through him. And using the people that he sends you will get you to that stronger point we'll walk you through have somebody walking you through next to you to help you get there so that you can make decisions based on what you need and how you need to progress regardless of the outcome. It's scary to get there but it is so important and so good for you.

Because it allows the other person also to heal if they don't feel the depths of what it is if they don't see you moving forward and They just see you grasping and grasping and grasping for them to change. They're just going to keep stepping back back back. They're going to keep doing what they want. They'll tell you what you want to hear, possibly, but they'll do what they want. As I go back to when I talked to those women, these are the things that we talked about.

We talked about this some of this stuff. And we talked about the importance of seeing what the truth is, we talked about how when our spouse does something that is against everything that we are working on, when they are dishonest when they reach out to another woman that feels threatening to our relationship. That is not okay. And when we want them to tell us why they did it, and we want an explanation, and we want to know, please tell me why we did that why you did this. And we're hoping that they give us this answer that makes sense.

It's only because we are so worried about the future and the outcome, yet, the fact that someone's choosing these things, is showing what they want. It's showing what they value, you are deserving of having truth, and light and love and honesty, you're deserving of complete fidelity. Nobody that you're with needs to be reaching out to another person that makes your relationship feel threatened. That's not showing you love. And that's not showing commitment. When we can see what the truth is it helps us to navigate our own life.

And it helps us get to that even if state, even if this is true, and he is reaching out to people, or he is scanning the room to find who the hottest person is there, or who's gonna think he's attractive, I'm going to move forward and figuring out my road of healing so that I know what to do in the future. All of these things don't mean you have to make a rash decision. But it does help you look at things for what they truly are. It also helps to not press and push and try to grasp your partner to change. It helps you to be able to sit back and watch and wait and notice.

If we ask every time our person does something that feels threatening to us, if we talk to them about everything they're doing or done, then how are we going to truly know what their intent is. My suggestion is, practice, if you find something, if you find that your spouse is is friending people that they shouldn't on Facebook, if you find that they open new accounts to a dating site or to social media account that you are unaware of, or that is part of your guys's boundaries, that he doesn't do that, if you notice that he is reaching out to co-workers or anybody that goes against the plan that you guys have in your recovery and healing.

See it, watch it, notice it and then just wait. Just see what happens. See his behavior, see what he's doing. And I know that's scary and stressful, because you don't want him acting out and you don't want him cheating on you. But if he wants to do that he's going to anyway, he's going to find a way anyway. So the sooner you know the truth, the faster you can move on your road of healing. It's a hard thing I know. There's hard, it's hard to navigate boundaries, it's hard to navigate, letting go. It's hard to navigate surrendering.

And it's hard to figure out what it is you need personally, to feel okay, either in the relationship or on your own. It's not what we planned. We never, we never wanted this. And so we're we're in this place that we didn't even really realize was there or that we'd ever have to be part of. And here we are trying to navigate through something that doesn't make sense to us. It hurts to feel these things. It hurts to be part of them. I know that I understand it. It's devastating. You're feeling this pain because somebody else is not being open, honest, truthful, vulnerable, and not being fully committed to you.

You don't have to keep feeling that pain over and over and over. You don't have to have the chaos over and over and over. Whether it's your relationship with your spouse, your parents, your siblings, your co-workers, your children. You don't have to feel victim or in bondage to their actions, their reactions, what they choose what they don't choose, you truly can learn how to feel free. It's not giving up on anybody. It's not being mean. It's taking care of you so that when you're in the situations that are hard, you can stay safe at peace and you can navigate with a clear head.

If you're feeling like you want help reach out, schedule a session with me. I can walk with you through this. We can discuss your exact situation. If you need help because the holidays are coming and you need help with boundaries and self care and how to navigate unhealthy relationships or you don't know what to do. Because of the family members that are going to be in town or that you're going to be around, where you don't know how to navigate your children, or addiction, or how do you go through the healing process when you're already in a fog, at the same time, as the holidays, I can help you.

That's what my classes are about that are coming up. This podcast is going to air the night, the day of my first class, it's a breathe in a release class, this class has four Mondays in it, but you know what's so cool about my classes that even if you don't hear this till after you can go on the website, you can buy the class, you can register for it. And you can either show up live to the ones that you're available for, or they're all recorded. And they're all they all will be in your back office that's created for you, the minute that you sign up for a class, you can listen to them, even if you miss it, you can listen, those classes will be on there.

There's also a class that following Wednesday, that's a one time class, it's an hour and a half long. It's a boom, get it done. Let's talk about boundaries and self care and how to navigate the trauma and triggers through the holidays. And you can get a hold on all of this so that you can enjoy your time during November and December. Again, that class too will be recorded. But go on and register for it, whether you can watch it or be online at that moment.

Just so that you have it so that you don't have to do this alone. You do not have to do all of this alone. You really don't. There are resources available. There are great therapists out there. The information that you get from books or from my podcasts are all amazing. You can take all of that in having somebody talk you through and actually learn how to apply it is key. There is healing possible. There is hope there is recovery for both you, your spouse, your family members, your kids, but you have to let go and let them choose it. And as you do that, you're going to find the freedom that you want that you desire, and it's going to feel okay, even if the outcome isn't what you want. I'm here for you like always, please reach out and I'll see you next time.

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