Episode 45: Finding Our Power and Owning It

I hope you're already having a wonderful day that it started off well and that you are thriving today. If not, I'm with you. I hear you. I'm so sorry. Some days are just like that. I still have them. I go up and down. I'll have days where I will feel so on fire in the morning. And then by the afternoon, I just hit this downward spiral. And I'm thinking how did I get here I was doing fine. So wherever you are, I'm glad you're here with us. And hopefully you'll feel some love and some strength and and gain some tools and some tips on what you can do for yourself to feel stronger, more at ease, and that you're on the right path.

Today, I recent I just got finished recording with Andrea who she has a couple different podcasts. She's also a publisher. She's written a ton of books, and she's just amazing. Her podcast, her original podcast is Live Life Happy. And she's a book promoter. And she also started a podcast called Saving You is Killing Me. Okay, hello, what? When I saw that that was her name of our podcast. I'm like, Yes, that's exactly right. That's what I try to share and get across to you that you have to save yourself. You cannot save another person.

And if you try to save somebody else, it will kill you. So I just love the name of her new podcast she was so fun to be with. She's going to post those pretty soon. And I will let you know, on social media when those are up so you can go listen. And then you can also go and follow her because she's dynamic. She is so fun and sweet and beautiful. Just just inside and out person, I can just feel all her goodness, she also has a story like ours, her husband struggled with cocaine addiction. And so she went through all the same things as what I went through just in a different way. So anyway, I share that with you today.

Because as we were talking about all of the strength and resilience and empowerment of learning how to choose ourselves and know how to navigate ourselves. I just thought of you guys. And I thought I just got to get on and talk about our strength, talks about taking back our own power, talk about our resilience so that you know you can do this, whatever is placed in front of you right now, whatever heartache is coming, whatever decisions that are on your plate, and you're trying to figure it out, just know that you can, and you will, you don't have to figure out everything today, you don't even have to do it right today.

Each day as we take a different step, a new step, or the same as the day before just further on the path. We will know the direction it'll open up, it'll unfold. So strengthen resilience. Wow, she had me thinking about some of the past things in my story, she had me thinking about how we can choose resilience for ourselves. And it just got me thinking about some of the things that probably we've talked about in the past. But how it's important not to forget them. It's important not to forget how hard it was, and what we gained and why we chose it.

And then how we got to where we are now. If you are not yet on that healing side of trauma, then you then you can know that you will get there if you just keep taking the steps. So as we talked, I thought about how when we're in those moments of trauma, and we have been lied to and deceived and manipulated and made to feel like we're the crazy one where we were like, Hey, wait a second, I'm pretty sure I was the one who was hurt by somebody else. And then now I'm the one that's the enemy and I'm the one in trouble. Do you remember that feeling?

Do you know that feeling now? It is mixed up messed up crazy making. It's It's nonsense, right? But when you're in it, it doesn't feel like that because you're trying to do what's right, so that you don't cause problems in their relationship. So let's talk about that for a second. When we have a voice and we say I need to heal me, you caused me a problem.

If we don't take that if we don't say we need the help, and we quiet our voice and we choose to walk on eggshells around our abuser or the person who inflicted pain on us then we are going to have a really hard time seeing clear and healing, because we're not honoring what happened to us, we're not honoring the wound, and the wound will stay there until it's addressed. So as we're doing that, and we start trying to go, Okay, how do I take my power back in the situation?

This is kind of what it can look like. So we have a situation where our partner, if I use my own scenario, yours will probably be different. But if I use mine, it would be like, I'm feeling this gut feeling that something's wrong. Is he doing something? Is he looking at something? Is he meeting up with somebody? What what's the deal right now? And so I would ask him, what's going on? I'm feeling like things are off. Are you doing something? Are you not in? Remember, I've told you this. He's like, no, no way. I'm not you're the greatest, I love you so much. And he would lean in for a kiss.

That's manipulation, and that's gaslighting. So in that moment, when that happens, you feel crazy, right? Sometimes you end up getting the evidence you need. Some of the time I found the evidence, I found that he was hooking up online, or I found that he was researching things or, or whatever it was. And so I could say, this just happened. So now I know it happened, my body knows it happened, I go into trauma with it, I have trigger and trauma responses, and my heart is racing. And I'm sweating, and my legs are shaking. And I have that really strong ball of anxiety right in the middle of my chest that I just don't even know what to do with.

And in those moments, when I say I need some time to think about this, it works for a minute, right? But then what happens sometimes, if both people are not healthy, if we have not learned enough recovery, if we have not had enough counseling sessions, the shame of what that person did to you will be a lot for them to carry. And they don't want to feel that way. They don't want to feel uncomfortable. Right now when they feel uncomfortable.

They just choose addiction to numb that feeling, right? They do something different. They use pornography, they use drugs, they they game, they do something that will limit the uncomfortable feelings that they really should be communicating about with you. But instead, they would use, right, so if if you're in the situation where you're feeling all these things, and and you want this space, and now they're uncomfortable, a lot of the time, they will make you look like you're the one that has the problem. They'll turn it and be like, why are you over this by now like you shouldn't be acting like that.

And you shouldn't be treating me like this. And you should just love me already. And I want to be intimate and you haven't done that with me in two weeks. All these different kinds of excuses that make it look like you're the one that has a problem that you're the one that is it's embarrassing that you're not healing, and I cannot believe that this is bothering you still so much. That can be so heartbreaking and also so confusing. It's like, wait a minute, I thought I was the one that was hurt. But now he's looking at me with this disgust and disdain.

Like somehow I'm like, this person that's not worth it. Like, what happened here? How did that even happen? And we're left to to wanting to fix the situation so that someone isn't mad at us? Because that's uncomfortable to to where we push our feelings aside and say, Okay, okay, yes, I want to be with you. And we don't talk about it, we decide to push it under the rug, because it'll be easier, but easier for who and easier for how long. It doesn't last, it only lasts for a little while, but it's still there, the wound is there. And not only is the wound there, we'll just keep coming and coming.

When we're not dealing with the one and trying to fix why we're even wounded. Or setting a boundary of this is not okay anymore. We're just going to continue to get hurt. And we're not healing anything. We're just quieting our own feelings and emotions. And whether that do we lose our spark? We lose who we are, we lose the sweet nature that we have. We lose our spunk, we lose our fire, all the different things because we have wounds. So that is where we can look at and go wait a second. In those moments, I need to take my power back.

We can start by just knowing and telling ourselves that we are worth it to be treated the right way. And we are worth it to have feelings and thoughts and emotions tied to somebody hurting us. giving us the time and space we need. Remember, we've talked about this if you're actually sick, or you've had a surgery or something like that you are given the grace to heal people, your neighbors, your spouse, whoever knows you can't be up doing something or you can't. You can't be doing anything if you just had surgery. So we have to look at it that way.

I just had surgery on a heart wound that is almost killing me because how broken I feel I need time and space. It's up to us to take that power back. Nobody else is going to give it to us, and especially if we don't make them. And we allow them to say what they want to say and treat us the way they do. And if we give into them giving in meaning, okay, you're right. I know you're sorry. You said you're sorry, okay, I'll forgive you. And we'll move on, like, like nothing ever happened. But that's not how the heart works. So we can start gaining that power back for ourselves by stating what we need and knowing we deserve it.

If you do not know you deserve it, that's where you start. You start on your own self worth, that's the route, you have to feel that feeling in your gut, in your instinct in your deep soul. That you have worth that you are valuable to be treated the right way. That's your first step. If you have that already, and you know, you're worth it. But you, you don't want to cause problems or make things worse, or we've gotten along so well. These last couple days, I don't want to cause a problem, then you're being codependent in the sense that you're deciding I don't want to have a conversation. And I don't want hard feelings to happen if I share my truth.

So that's controlling what an outcome is. Because in a healthy relationship, you could come to the table with, Hey, what happened over there? What happened the other day? It's hurting me and I'm still not doing well. And the response would be Yeah, that makes sense. I'm sorry, you're still hurting? I'm sorry, I caused that. I will give you space, what else can I do to offer that to you? Can I watch the kids for you? Do you need to go take a bath, whatever it is, there's there's communication and even when there's hurt feelings, it can be talked through. If that is not your experience, you can't make them be that way.

But you can decide how you're going to be. You can take your own power back, you can learn skills and tools to stand up against it, or for yourself against a problem against someone trying to cause a fight because you're not doing what they want you to do. You can you can stand up against those things, meaning I'm going to stand up for myself and say, No, I'm sorry, this is what I need. Right now I need the space. owning our power comes from this place within deep in there that says regardless of how someone responds, I have to take care of me.

Because I'm not good for anyone. If I'm not, I'm not as good of a mom, I know for myself, if I'm in a bad place, I'm not able to hear them as well, or, or talk things through with them or even spend time with them. I'd rather be isolating. So when I'm taking care of me and I do the proper tools, whether if I'm overwhelmed, we've talked about this, if I'm overwhelmed, too much in my insides, I need to journal it out, yell it out, talk about it, go to therapy, something where it's no longer in there so I can feel and see what's truly going on.

Okay, when we don't have so much overwhelm, we can see, okay, what is my body feeling? What is it that I need right now? Sometimes it's fear, my body's feeling fear of the future, my body is feeling sad, my body is feeling like I need connection. So how does that look? What do I need to do to get that, now your partner may not be able to give that to you. And that is sad. And we can stay in that victim place so easily. I know I've done it so many different times, I want something to be a certain way. And I'm not even thinking I'm asking for anything that's weird. Like, it seems logical and normal to have those kind of needs met.

But sometimes a person can't meet those needs, even if the relationship is healthy, or even if we wish it was that way. So in those moments, we can sit there and we can just be that person that is victim and my needs are never met, this is never gonna happen. This this doesn't turn out, right? My my spouse always does this, our relationship isn't gonna work, or if it is, is gonna be hard forever, and it's gonna be awful. And I'm going to be miserable and depressed and sad forever. Do you know that feeling I remember feeling that many different times.

There are many of us that choose to live in that and stay in that because it's safe. I hate this. And I'm so sad all the time. But I don't really know what else to do. And if I do make some choices, things will change. And I'm fearful of what the change looks like. So therefore I'm going to stay. What happens is we stay in the place of victim and when we stay in a place of victim like poor me. Everything is terrible and they treat me badly. All of that's true. But it takes your power away. It's important to go I don't want to be the victim though. So what do I need to do in my story to change that? And you can you can say no more.

It's true that I feel sad that my needs are met. Okay, well, what are the needs that I can meet for myself? I don't want to have to I wish I did. didn't have to. But I don't want to feel like a victim all the time every single day because it's ruining me and it's ruining my life. Those are the changes that you can make, they're hard, but so worth it, you feel stronger, you feel happier, you're like, Hey, wait a second. And when we make one strong decision, we are shown that we can make another one and another and another and our path starts opening up.

Because when we stay in powerlessness, like that, where we don't even have choices, and we're waiting on someone else to decide our every move, we are, we are very stuck. And our view is very limited. We're waiting on someone else. But taking our power back gives us a voice and it gives us strength and reason. And we stand up taller. And we're like, you know what, today's the day, I want to do it different today, because I'm worth it. And I don't want to feel like this anymore. Is today, the day for you? Is today the day for you to make a different choice to learn something new.

If it is reach out, schedule something, listen to more podcasts, call a friend who's been through this that shows a healthy path. Ask them how they chose that path, ask them how they got from here to there, the retreat still has some space open, register for the retreat. I know it's scary. And it's like, oh my gosh, I don't know these people, but you will, they will become some very close friends. There's something so connective about coming together, when we all have hard stories or trials or things we've been through or that we just want to be moving forward and take back our power. If you need a group, if you need connection, the retreat is the right place.

There is always a way to figure it out, even when we're scared. But it is up to us to make that first choice, that first step, that first movement so things can change. And what that's going to do for you is give you a new light, it's going to give you a new understanding, and it will open yourself up to new learning because you won't be shut down to the possibilities. You won't be telling yourself, I can't do that I can't I can't do this until this I can't, I can't move forward until this I can't stand up to him because of this. I don't have any money.

And so therefore I'm stuck. When we start making movement, and making powerful choices, we are opening up that energy and the universe, right God and everything that surrounds it into bringing new things into our lives, if we're always going to block it and stop it and say, Nope, I already know how it is I don't like it, I'm not going to do it, then we're limiting everything that could be happening.

And growing is flourishing. You know that even with the flower, right, they don't want to be stuck down there in the ground in the darkness, we're the same, we need to flourish, we need to grow and sprout and find joy and happiness and fill the sunlight. You can do that. It's so cool. Because when we do you look at people around you who are doing it and you're like, I want to be like that. I wish I felt happy. I wish I wish my spouse was doing the recovery work.

We can compare ourselves and it can be good or it can be bad. We can compare looking for ways to heal ourselves and do things different, okay, that person is doing that I want to do that. Or we can look at them. And we can say how miserable our lives are. We don't need to do that. It doesn't save anything. It doesn't help us. It doesn't even get us out of our situation, it actually makes us feel worse about ours and stay more stuck. So power.

Let's take it back. What can you do today or this week, that gives you a step in the right direction to doing it a little different than you had before. Maybe saying something a little different, maybe setting a boundary maybe when a family member or somebody from work or a friend says to you something that you really don't want to do. Maybe you practice saying you know what, that's not gonna work for me this week. And take ownership and power of your emotional health. Knowing you cannot add on another thing.

Maybe your first step is looking for a recovery group that you can be part of. Maybe it's scheduling a session so you can talk this out and just even see, do I need help? Is this something you can help me with and be open and vulnerable with what you're going through? Maybe it's calling a counselor and getting in and scheduling weekly or bi weekly sessions. Whatever it is for you start somewhere start opening up and sharing what's inside and what the fears are, what the anger is, what the sadness is, what the pain what the overwhelm any of it.

And just doing the little piece even if you just wrote it all down, for the first time ever if you've never even written it on paper how you feel. It'll give you that peace of hope that you're doing something for you that you are choosing To heal for you. Because remember, the person who causes the pain to you is never the one who heals it. We've talked about that a lot. Remember, like, if you're in a car accident, the person who hit you isn't the one who heals you, you still have to choose healing, you have to choose to get up and go to your physical therapist to get healed.

You have to choose mentally to get through the emotional stuff and the trauma that happened because you were hit. So it's the same with this. Those are physical wounds. These are psychological and emotional wounds. But we can take the steps to heal. And each little step strengthens us. It gives us power it gives us light, it makes us smile. And we want to like tell somebody, look what I just did, the smallest things you're doing if they are different is a win. It's like, Yay, come on, you just did that.

Hello, I want to give you a high five, I want to give you a hug. Congratulations. I'm so glad you moved forward. Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing you. It helps all of us. As we keep doing that it helps everyone because the light that we have the energy that exudes when we are proud of ourselves for doing something hard shows, you're worth it, you are worth feeling strong and powerful. There's nothing wrong with you speaking up and having a voice. It's okay to take the time you need to heal from something hard that's happened.

Choose to heal though. Don't choose to stay in it. It's miserable. And it's sad, and it's lonely and isolating. And yeah, the healing work is so hard to it's true. The middle of the healing work is like death. But it's it's something that's moving though it's not stuck forever. It's uncovering all the things that we need help with and that we need to be cared about and loved. show those wounds, be raw, be vulnerable.

Show up for yourself so that you can teach yourself and your family members that everybody's worth it to do the work. Let go of outcomes let go of making somebody angry because you're choosing yourself. Practice choosing you even if somebody else gets angry, in a healthy relationship, they wouldn't be angry with you if you chose yourself. So if they are, they have wounds that they need to heal. They have things that they need to do.

You can't control that part. But you can control you. You can decide for you what is you want to do. I know you can do this. It's hard, but it is so great, you guys, it is amazing to go from that overwhelm chaos, Awful, I do not know what to do, I cannot do this. I'm going to die to feeling on top of the world like I cannot believe this is my life in a positive way.

Can you feel that? Can you imagine it being like that for you? It can be I promise you it can be I was in the depths of despair. You know, you know, I cut my husband's ties. You know that you've seen my book, you've read my book. I was in a dark place. You don't have to stay there. It feels so much better to get out. And you don't even have to do it alone. How cool is that? I know exactly what you need and how to help you go from sad and in pain, to feeling happy and free. Please let somebody hug you please let somebody walk with us with you.

Please reach out to somebody. Reach out to me. You're worth it. You are so dang worth it. It's ridiculous. I want you to just tell yourself that I'm so dang worth it. It's amazing. I love how worth it I am. I deserve to heal and I deserve to be okay. Wow. Okay, I want that. I want that. What do I need to do? Ask your body? What do we need? Ask God what what is it that you want from me?

What is my next step to heal to feel better? He'll take you one step at a time your body will tell you my body a couple of weeks ago told me I needed connection. I called a friend. "Hi I need connection. I need to talk about some things." And she was like Absolutely. And we talked and even though what was going on in my life still it didn't go away if the better because I shared it and I wasn't in it alone. You don't have to do any of it alone. I know I say that way too much.

But it is the truth. That's how I survived I did not do it alone. I found my resources. Will you do that? Will you do that for me this week? Will you talk to yourself like that? Will you remind yourself and if you don't believe it yet, if you just keep on telling yourself that over and over and put your hands on your heart and truly imagine what it would feel like to feel that kind of power and strength coming from within that you are worth it to heal and what is it that you need?

You will see a difference. You will get some direction you will know little things to do to start feeling better. I'm excited. I'm excited to hear what those things are. I'm excited to to hear from you how you found You're worth what it is you're doing for your healing. I would love you to email me Tell me what you're doing for your healing.

Tell me anything that sparks your, your thoughts or mind about what you would want to share or what you were wishing you could tell other people as you're listening to this, and then I'll share it. So they know there's power in the numbers. When we link arms, hearts, souls minds, we can do so much good for ourselves and other people. You're stronger than you think you are. You're so beautiful inside and out. Take back your power, and keep on your road of healing. And I'll see you next time.

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