Episode 66: Taking Action When We Don’t Feel Ready

Welcome back to the Choose in Podcast. I'm your host, Roxanne Grenada, I get so many questions about how do we take the action on something, when we feel stressed about it, when emotionally we don't know if we're ready, when we know that we need to do something. But we have fears or worry that either somebody won't comply or that they'll be upset with us. And that then somehow we'll be in trouble. And then we'll be the one to blame. It's complicated, because boundaries are, are so good yet so scary to figure out.

I remember when I was learning about boundaries, and my counselor was trying to tell me about this. And I've shared some of this stuff before. But he was trying to tell me how powerful boundaries are and how important they are and how empowering they are. And that I have a right to them. That was huge that I had a right to set a boundary. And all I could see was, this just feels mean, and I don't seem like I'm Christ like then, like, if I hold these boundaries, or set them or tell somebody that I not liking this, or I wanted a different way I have a different preference.

And they feel bad about it, then how am I not to blame. So that whole enmeshment, the enabling of wondering or trying to navigate somebody else's thoughts and feelings doesn't really work, because we can try as hard as we want. But that doesn't mean that's going to actually fix them or change them or do what we think it will like, I'm going to be nice and kind. And I'm not going to tell them what I want so that they're okay and happy. But that's not the truth. And so we we kind of don't, we can't feel happy when there isn't truth there.

And so it's important that we remember that and then it can help us in setting boundaries. So when we're trying to figure out how to take action with something that we don't know how or we don't know what the outcomes going to be. Sometimes we have to just take the action, even if we're not ready. I know sometimes like we gear up and we gear up and we work on it. And we set up our plan and we we do the system so that we feel more prepared. But every once in a while, it can't be that way, we just have to take the action because we know it's the right thing to do. We are scared out of our mind. But we still know logically, it's the right thing to do.

So taking that action for some of us, in that place where we're unsure, unsteady is exactly what we have to do. So that it propels us into emotionally catching up. When we get stuck emotionally, where we just can't see our life any other way, or we are so upset about the outcome that has happened. Those are real feelings, that those are real emotions, that is a real place of feeling stuck, where we don't know how we're ever going to be okay, again, that happens that's common. And so if that's you don't feel bad about that, it's just how it is sometimes.

So when that is like that, maybe taking this, the action step in that moment, when we are like, I don't think I can do this, I don't think I'm ready. Maybe just jumping in anyway, think about when you're teaching your kids how to swim. And they don't know how, and they're scared, and you're going to let go when they're, you know, just grasping onto you and holding on to your neck and, and and all of those things. And at some point, they have to take the risk, they have to lay flat on their back with their arms out. And and trust that it's going to work out that you're not going to let them sink.

So even though you don't have a person that is holding your back so that you don't sink. You do have a God that does that. And you do have resources and tools and people like me, your coach or your counselor or your group that does that for you. So every time you think that you're alone in this, remember the people that are on your side, remember your team, you're not alone. You're not doing this alone. And some of these people are like this is the next step. You need to take this next step or this boundary is so imperative for your well being.

You can look around and think to yourself, do I trust the people that are telling do this are these people that are saying to do this? Are they trust worthy Have they found this to be the case have has worked in their life in their well being, you can then notice, I know for me, when I would notice certain people that were farther along the healing path than me, I could see that these people were consistently setting boundaries and holding them that they were actually following up on the consequence, if somebody didn't follow that boundary.

These things can be with kids, they can be with your spouse, in any other relationship with friends, doesn't matter where but when we set the boundary and hold it, that's when things change. Now you can't change another person, we know that we talk about it all the time, we can't change another person, but it changes us. And now instead of a boundary feeling like it's so difficult, in like the most uncomfortable thing that we've done, it actually starts feeling uncomfortable not to set the boundary. So as soon as we come to that place of like, wow, this is actually freedom.

And I feel better, because I'm not carrying the burden of everybody else's happiness on my shoulders, you become more free and, and more action steps happen, and you're able to see things more clearly make better decisions, and it actually helps the relationships around you. Yes, you may lose some of the relationships, some people may never choose to listen to your boundary, or respect it. Some people don't want boundaries at all, because it affects them, it makes them look at their own life and what is holding them back. And they don't want to, that's a choice they have to make.

But that doesn't mean you have to suffer forever in this relationship with that person, friend, family member relational doesn't matter. Doesn't mean you have to suffer, we kind of take that on, well, they're not going to change. And so if I don't accept this, then the relationship ends, the relationship will end if two people do not have boundaries, and are not able to state what their preferences are healthy relationships, take work and effort. And when we do that, we can start just seeing everybody just the way they are and it feels better. And you can say, hey, you know what, I don't feel like I can do that right now.

My emotional state of being isn't that good. And instead of them saying, well, I need this done. And you should have helped me, they can say thank you for telling me that I'm so glad to know where you're at, I'm sorry that you're struggling right now, I will take care of that right now. Or I will find somebody else to do that. being open and honest, is so helpful. It is not a hindrance, it is it is a benefit to the relationship, along the same lines with boundaries and preferences is that fine line between loving somebody and caring for them, and enabling them.

Now when we're trying to be like Christ, and we want to be loving and kind and we want to help somebody, that's great. But we want to help somebody alongside of them, like we want to help them help themselves. We don't want to take care of all of it for you for them. Right. So my clients, if I was to say all of your sessions are free, you never have to pay anything. You can, you can come and I'll validate everything that you feel, and never challenge you on anything and just support you exactly where you're at. And don't ask you the hard questions, I would be not helpful.

I would be enabling you in your pain and sadness, that you wouldn't like that you wouldn't stay with me very long. Because you you want to be invested in yourself. And for some reason, when we invest in ourselves, when we purchase something, even that we we love, we take care of it, we have value in it, if somebody gives us something for free. Sometimes it's great. If it's a gift, that's fine, right? We love that. But if somebody is paying for either all our therapy, or somebody is paying for our gym membership, and all of our food that would help us to be the healthy version that we want. We don't have as much investment into it then if we pay for it ourselves.

Now, I'm not saying we don't help anybody, and I've had help in the past when I was single, and I didn't have as much money coming in. I did get help from other resources to help me with my bills and food and things like that. That's great. So this is not about not helping. This is about the fine line of being so kind, that it doesn't actually help the person move forward at all, or it doesn't help somebody feel the consequence of their choices. When I was learning boundaries. I had to start setting setting things with my spouse at that time around activities around pornography use around how he talked to me and treated me.

And it was so hard because I seriously believe that if I was to say something like that, it would be mean, if I was to say something like, I'm sorry, you acted out again in pornography, and that is not allowed in our home. So I'm going to need you to leave and go to a hotel for a couple days, or go stay at your mom's house or something like that. If I was to say that, that's what my counselor was trying to get me to do. If I was to do that I, I felt like, no, that's mean. And that's not showing that I love him and care for him and want him to get help.

And then what if he does go somewhere else, and then he acts out even more, then it's because I put a boundary on him. So right there in those things, when we're taking ownership for somebody else's choices, we can then see how that isn't actually how it is, he will have the choice if he acts out again. And clearly it doesn't matter where he is, if he had acted out in my home, it doesn't matter I was there. So it doesn't matter. If I send him away for a little while, he may choose to act out there, too. That is just the truth of the situation.

But if I don't hold him accountable, if I don't keep myself safe by saying this is not okay for me, then I'm sacrificing my own well being. And I am not actually helping somebody in their path to change. Boundaries actually help another person, feel the consequence of their choices, so that they have an opportunity to change.They get to see wow, I don't feel good in this space, I keep making the same mistakes over and over, I don't want to lose my family. And then they go, you know what I need more help. I clearly am not doing well doing this on my own.

When we save somebody, or limit or lessen the consequence or lesson like I'm not going to tell them exactly how I feel, I'm not going to tell them the extent of it, I'm just going to give them a piece of it because I don't want to hurt their feelings too much. Then we're padding, coddling, enabling them. We're treating them as if they're super, super fragile, and they're going to break at any moment. And therefore we can't tell them the whole truth. But when we say the truth, hey, look, what you're doing is not okay, the way you're talking to me, I'm not going to take it anymore.

I know I have in the past, but I am over that. I want us to learn how to communicate the right way so that we can have love for each other. And that so we can feel better. Because I'm sure you don't feel good when you're acting this way. And I don't feel good being treated this way. And I also good not telling you what I want or what I don't want. So as we learn this together, we can be healthier together. But if we continue to throw a mattress under them right before they fall on the ground, they will not be able to change, they will not be able to move forward.

The other thing around this is when we do that the false belief that we're telling somebody is that they can't do it on their own. They're not strong enough to move forward in their life. They're not capable to be successful human beings free of addiction or moving forward holding down a job, or whatever it is that they're not going to be able to manage their depression, anxiety. If we coddle and say oh, my goodness, you're right, you cannot do any of this stuff. Let me just keep you right here. Let me keep you safe.

Let me do everything for you, that reinforces to them that they are worthless that they cannot do it. And it's just not the truth. Everybody's capable. Sometimes we just need a little help. We will most of us, most of the time, we need a little help. We need a lot of help. But we're we're taking the action. And we're allowing somebody to help us along the way. That's what I do. That's how I help my people that I work with is that I don't solve any of their problems.

I open up new ways of looking at things. It's kind of like I'm linked arms with you, as we walk along this path so that you can see it and go okay, okay. It's like a comfort. It's like having a parent that is walking you through elementary school to find your classroom. Right? We all throughout our life, we need that person that's with us that has either been through it before or that has the skill set to show us so that we can be confident in moving forward. And then it takes us back to at the very beginning where I was saying that we have to take an action step sometimes even if emotionally we're not ready.

Our emotions are wonderful and they are a guideline of what is happening inside of us and what we need to work on. But sometimes if we let them rule the whole thing, we will be fearful and we won't actually do what we need to do. And so sometimes we have to go on that. And we have to get ourselves ready. And sometimes we have to say, You know what, I'm not sure I'm ever going to be ready for this step. But I still know it's the right thing to do. Then you link arms with your counselor, your mentor, me as your coach, the programs are listening to your groups, whoever you need, you link arms and say, will you guide me?

Will you walk with me as I as I take this action step that I'm super afraid to do, but know that I need to boundaries like this change lives, they save lives, they allow people to choose something different. They allow people to grow, they allow you to grow, even if the outcome doesn't turn out the way you would hoped it wouldn't have, by you know, setting boundaries, nothing actually changes when we don't set boundaries. Think about some of the relationships in your life, that you've said different things.

And it's just circles around maybe a family member or a friend that you just keep being in the same pattern, the same cycle over and over and over, where nothing actually changes it just every once in a while everything blows up, there's a fight or a conversation. And then everybody calms down, everybody's okay again, and it starts over. And then it's just like, Okay, well, nothing's ever gonna change. So it's just something I have to accept. But that is a false belief it's not true. We don't have to accept that. If we want change, we have to change. We have to stop doing what we've always done. If we want someone change, we do our part different this time.

How do we change? What is it that we need to do? Well, we look internally and we say, what is bothering me about this? What am I feeling every time I'm disrespected? Or every time addiction shows up in my life, or every time somebody yells at me or gets mad? What's happening? What am I feeling and when we identify that that's where we learn to set the boundary, okay? I do not like it when somebody is telling me what to do and how to do it, and not letting me decide for myself.

So when we figure that out, we set a boundary. Hey, thank you for mentioning what you wanted to say. But I'm going to do this my way, when they don't like that, because they may be like, wait, what that's never happened before, they may try to talk you out of doing it your way. And you just stop and say thank you so much again, but I'm going to decide for myself the way I'm going to do this. And I will ask you for input if I decide to in the future. If it still causes a problem, which it may at the beginning, you just have to turn and walk away.

As you keep doing this, the person that you're trying to set a boundary with will eventually get it, they'll be like wait a second, she is not falling in line with the way it used to be done. I'm unsure how to navigate this. But she keeps doing it, she keeps doing the same thing now. And so there's nothing more I can do. If you're not engaging in the side you used to get engaged in whether it's the fighting, or the staying quiet and letting somebody fight with you. Either way, if you don't do your part, the relationship will change.

And if you want to change, you start with you can't control another person, but I promise you, you will feel better. And like I said at the beginning, you will end up feeling like this is so amazing, because you will you will learn to love boundaries, you will learn to be like Wow, I feel so free. Wow, this feels so good. And you will not want to not set boundaries, you'll love it. You'll actually say this is exactly the way I'm supposed to be living and you'll be like oh my goodness, I can't believe I've lived without them for so long.

So know that logically take that in that right now it's so scary, but if I want change, I have to do it, I have to take the action, somebody else is not going to do it for me. So as you're thinking about these things, I'm looking at your life and going okay, where where do I want to start, start with something small. You start with a list of things of how you are not showing up for yourself in your life that you'd want to or start with things that are triggering to you or bothering you.

Maybe just notice on a day to day basis who you're around who is in your sphere of influence, whether it's war family, or a spouse or relationship of some kind, and then start noticing the things that are bothering you. I did not like the way they put me down like that, and then write it down. I did not like that I was blamed for something that had nothing to do with me. Write it down. As you write that list down you'll start seeing where the places that are bothering you in your life and that's where you're going to start learning to set boundaries.

So you're not just going to be able to just do it all at once. And this is not to make you feel like it oh my gosh, I have so many hard things in my life. That's that's not what this is. This is about awareness. It's about education. It's about being curious seeing and going, wow, I had no idea I felt all those things. What's so cool is that when we identify those emotions, and we start taking care of them, we're taking care of ourselves, we feel better, our emotional resilience goes up, and all over, like our whole life changes, because we are now aware of what we need and what we want and what we desire. And we are being proactive and taking care of those things for ourselves.

And then in return, you'll see the relationships that want that also, and learn how to do it themselves. And you'll see the ones that fall away. And even though that's hard, this is super good to do, because again, remember, if we don't do something, the relationship will never change, and you don't like that anyway. So we're trying to create healthy relationships with those people who want one in return. So as you make this list, this is the list that you'll want to take to your counselor or schedule some sessions with me, because this is where we don't want to be overwhelmed.

Remember, this is new, like setting boundaries is is a new concept. It's like learning a new language. And so it's not just going to come natural, it's not going to be super easy. It's going to feel stressful at times. But if you're talking to somebody with through it, then you'll be able to go okay, I think I want to tackle this one instead of boundary with this one. And that person can help you figure out what that looks like and what you would say. So you can say, well, this is what I want. Okay, well, what would you want to say? Well, I don't know what to say. All right, well, what if you? Did you do feel this? Do you feel this? Okay?

What if you started out by saying something like this, and kind of a roleplay type of a thing, when you have somebody to talk it through with this will help you though, identify where you're hurting, what changes you want to make, and where you can start with boundaries, where you can start with taking that action, in the places that feel sometimes the easiest, or sometimes people want to just start with the hardest one, let's just do the hardest one, however you are, whatever your personality is, and how you want to navigate this, it doesn't matter. But having somebody to do it with you will be helpful. So that way, you can kind of see it in the right way.

And you can tackle it in a way that will be productive, and not harmful. You can learn the skills to not be mean to a person when you're setting the boundary. But still state it with with force in a positive way like for yourself. I'm sorry, this is what I need. If you don't do this, for me, if you don't respect that this is how I want to live my life, then I'm going to have to ask you to whatever, whatever it is, all of them are different. But hopefully that will help you see the importance of it.

Just talking this through. Hopefully you'll understand that you've been if you've been stuck in some decisions, and you haven't moved forward, but you know, you're supposed to hopefully this will help you with the confidence or courage or bravery to just take the action anyway. Because you already know the answer. You're not in the figuring out stage, you know what it is. But every time you go to do it, that fear takes over and then you second guess yourself, but when you go back and center yourself and you're in a peaceful state, you know what your answer is.

So if you know what it is that you need, and are scared to take the action, practice, look at your list and practice taking an action. Even if emotionally you're not quite there. And then seek help to be able to guide you through all of the rest of it. It's a hard thing but so important, so powerful. It changes your life. Boundaries changed my life. I now know how to say no, I don't take on anything that I that I can't, when someone asked me to do something. I am a nice person. I like to do things I like to make meals for people. I like to go and give money to certain organizations.

I like doing those things. But now it's not at my own expense. I used to when somebody would call and say "hey, could you bring dinner to somebody?" I would have automatically said yes. Even if I had too much on my plate. Because I thought that was the nice thing to do. Now I check in with myself and think okay, what what do I have coming up? If I already am so overwhelmed if I have podcasts to record if I have programs to write if I have clients to meet with and I don't feel like that is something I can add to my plate without causing me harm.

Then I say no, I can't this time but keep me on the list I'd love to another time. That is an okay thing to do. We sometimes don't give ourselves permission to say no, because we feel bad or we're letting someone else down. But really you're letting yourself down when you do something that is not in alignment with you in that particular day, it's okay to say no, anytime you need to, it's okay to take care of you. boundaries will help you learn that and start feeling internally that it's okay, and that you're worth it. And that you don't have to take everything on and make sure everybody is happy and okay and that all are taking care of you start with you.

When you take care of you first, the rest works itself out, it spills over, it helps everybody eventually I mean, the people that are in your influence, that want the help, it naturally does, because you can trust yourself, they can trust you that if they ask you something to do or help them with that you will only say us if you can, so then they don't need to even take on that whole thing of feeling bad. I don't know if I should ask because they might feel bad. No, just be honest and open and true.

And then it's just peaceful. And you're living very free to where those burdens aren't sitting on your shoulders. Having boundaries, even at the beginning feels like a burden. It's actually releasing burdens off your shoulders. It's so helpful and positive. I can't even tell you enough how life changing it will be. As you continue learning and practicing boundaries. Please reach out schedule some sessions. I am totally here to help you do this. I can help you navigate it.

We can. We can talk about different ideas of where you're at and what you need. And I can also help you take those big action steps where you need to do something, even if you're not quite ready. I'm so glad you were here with me today. I'm sending you lots of love. You can do this and I'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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